PX This.

PX This presents THE F&F REVIEW

Hey, sorry we couldn’t make it to "Friends&Family," we were out of town/ had to work/ not invited. We’re really glad we finally managed to come by, though— it’s so nice to see you!
What’s that? You would still like us to take the time to fill out the F&F survey, because you’d love to take advantage of all our vast experience, knowledge, insight, and expertise as long as we’re already here? Because you invited 75 people to F&F, and afterward all you got was 41 "Congrats[es]!" 22 "Awesome[s]!" 3 "Ciao[s]!" and 9 "Best of luck[s]!" ?
Of course, we’d be honored. Oh ha, yesss, we’ll be honest— brutally honest even, ha ha! After all, that’s what friends & family are for!
No no please, don’t send anything more, we’re stuffed, we can’t breathe, you’ll have to roll us out of here, ha ha ha… !

The Dutch

What was your first impression?
Cute. Kinda typical…

Please rate the Bar:
Smaller than you’d expect for such a large space. And pretty cramped. Not so comfortable either. But the bartender’s nice.

Please rate the drinks/ cocktails/ wine:
Good quality, decent selections, reasonable prices. But again, kinda typical (see: Balthazar, Pastis, The Waverly Inn, The Lion, Minetta Tavern, East Side Social Club, The Lambs Club, The Standard Grill, DBGB, Freemans, Peels, Burger & Barrel… you get the picture).

Please rate the Dining Room:
Ugh christ. See above.

Please rate the BOH:
Pretty good. I mean, let’s face it— I wasn’t very impressed with Chef Carmellini at A Voce, and even less so at Locanda Verde. So it’s safe to say I had low expectations. But I dunno, this food was pretty good— so maybe he’s just overrated at Italian (?), the fuck I know.

How was the staff?
Good. Friendly, knowledgeable, proficient. Maybe just a wee on the jaded side, but that happens sometimes when staffers are highly experienced. Whatever, they "fit."

What did you eat?/ How was the food?
Asian White Boy Rib : Haa, I mean, rilly? Kinda stupid name ("mother-in-law’s kimchee" has a tad better sense of humor), but pretty tasty. Fall-off-the-bone tender.
Oysters : Super fresh and delicious. Very nice. Pretty plump actually, for East Coasters.
Fried chicken : Very good. Crisp, hearty, delectable. Wish the white meat (there’s plenty of it) could have been a bit more juicy, but oh well. The house-bottled hot sauce made up for it. The side of mashed potatoes with gravy was good too, as was the cole slaw. Whatever was in the middle dish though (kale with bacon bits?) was pretty awful. Overcooked and tortured— southern style, I guess? I don’t get down with emaciated greens, sorry. Never have, never will.
A different side of green (ordered separately), oh shoot I forget now. Not spinach. What was it again? Ugh, I can’t remember : But that was good. Perfectly sauteed and flavorful.
The corn bread that comes with the meal : Just wanted to mention it, because it was darned tasty. Just a touch of spice (jalapeño?) in there.

What did you like?
Call me crazy, but I particularly liked how the bartender graciously informed me that mashed potatoes comes with the fried chicken when I’d originally tried to order a side of it separately. You would be amazed (or maybe not) how many times people overlook that kind of stuff.

What did you dislike?
It really is pretty cramped. Personally I don’t get why the adjacent oyster bar just isn’t more liquor bar (clearly, they need it) or why the room with the bar isn’t actually just a bar room. Liquor profits are… oh forget it never mind.

What was your last impression?
Well, I still prefer Shorty’s (up the block). Hopefully, this all works out for them too.

Would you come back?
Maybe after it settles in? Or down (?), whatever.

Thank you, and hope to see you soon!
Thanks.

* * * * *

Have you heard?
Until the release of PX Me (Summer 2011), this website will henceforth be updated only intermittently (approximately once or twice a week).
Abbe Diaz’s new (daily) blog is now at: abbediaz.com

PX This presents THE "WORD OF MOUTH" REVIEW

We’re actually getting kinda sick of new restaurants; it’s a bit tedious pointing out the same types of flaws over and over and over again and ultimately being disappointed more often than impressed. (Here’s a novel idea: why don’t you try working to improve the shitty restaurant you already have, rather than opening a new one every nine months, you greedy egomaniacal bastard?) But hey, maybe that’s just us.
Anyhoo! It’s so nice to see you! We hadn’t planned on visiting your place, probably like— ever— but the "word of mouth" on this joint has been pretty outstanding. So, ya know— we’re intrigued. We’re hoping that good "word of mouth" is all genuine, and we can get us some of that good in our mouth. Word.
What’s that? You’d love to take advantage of all our vast experience, knowledge, insight, and expertise as long as we’re already here? Because you’re hoping we’ll like it and help spread the news, since you fired your publicist long ago for not doing jack shit for you?
Of course, we’d be honored. Oh ha, yesss, we’ll be honest— brutally honest even, ha ha! After all, that’s what obnoxious opinionated food-bloggers are for!
No no please, don’t send anything more, we’re stuffed, we can’t breathe, you’ll have to roll us out of here, ha ha ha… !

Kittichai

What exactly made you choose our restaurant?
My friend is a big fan; I just went along for the ride…

What was your first impression?
It’s very pretty.

Please rate the Bar:
It’s OK. Rather small, but the lounge tables are nice, welcoming, and comfortable. (Evidently, the hotel has another bar/lounge upstairs near the lobby, as well as a rooftop bar/lounge for the summertime.)

Please rate the drinks/ cocktails/ wine:
Very nice. Great house cocktail recipes with fresh and exotic ingredients, including some unique non-alcoholic varieties. The wine list as well is good, diverse (particularly for an Asian restaurant), and reasonably priced (especially considering its location within a chic SoHo hotel)— which makes their new Spring "Happy Hour" dinner special of 50% of all bottles of wine (starting May 2nd) remarkably intriguing.
(And don’t miss their great Thai Iced Coffee after dinner, either.)

Please rate the Dining Room:
Beautiful. Warm, commodious, and relaxing. (How many NYC dining rooms can boast a tranquil meditation pool?)

Please rate the BOH:
Outstanding. Chef Ty Bellingham has done a great job re-invigorating Kittichai’s ample and stellar menu. Very impressive.

How was the staff?
Great. Friendly, knowledgeable, and perfectly proficient.

What did you eat?/ How was the food?
Rock shrimp : Delicious. Crisp but succulent and very tasty. Great take on an Asian classic.
Smoked trout with shiso leaf : Unexpectedly terrific and unique. The description doesn’t begin to do it justice.
Mekhong whiskey ribs : Very good. Fall-off-the-bone tender. Flavorful (but not overwhelming) sauce.
Banana blossom salad : Different. Piquant. Maybe just a tad too generous with the dressing, though.
Oxtail soup : Mmm, rich and tangy but delicate. Gorgeous presentation.
Hamach tartare : Fresh and delectable. Zesty but light.
Spicy prawns : Scrumptious and delectably fiery, but personally would have preferred them just a wee bit undercooked. Otherwise, excellent.
Sauteed gai-lan : Perfect.

What did you like?
That smoked trout wrapped in shiso was really amazing.

What did you dislike?
That I missed out on the curried short-rib? So much food! But I really wanted that too. Oh well, next time…

What was your last impression?
50% off all bottles of wine?! I just might move in here…

Would you come back?
Ohhh, yeah.

Thank you, and hope to see you soon!
Thank you, it was a pleasure.

Hey, have you ever wondered whatever happened to Matt Levine? Oh, no? Well, we’re gonna update you anyway. (It’ll be fun, you’ll see.)

Apparently, Matt Levine "sold" his once uuuüber-hott Eldridge and then went on to undertake some bar/lounge something something at The Hotel on Rivington and then some other stuff happened with some other project he was endeavoring to— oh, whatever— pretty much his whole history is here if you want it. (Hang in there, it gets better.)

Anyhoo, PX This hears Levine was recently ejected from Mister H. We only mention it because: har har aharr, the irony is just killing us.
Evidently, not long ago Levine visited Mister H with actors Bryan Greenberg and Eddie Kaye Thomas of HBO’s How to Make It in America. According to a source from within, despite being seated at "the best table in the house," Levine soon became irate with the waitress who offered him a "bottle menu," speaking rudely and condescendingly to her. The frustrated waitress then summoned the host, whom Levine allegedly manhandled (by grabbing his elbow) and berated with the words, "Look into my eyes. I own three clubs in New York, and I don’t buy bottles. People send me bottles." Unmoved, the inured and apathetic host in turn summoned the manager, aaand "… within about three sentences, she was over him," too.

Levine and his guests were then summarily shown the door.

Another source who chooses to remain anonymous sums it up thusly: "Mathematically, if A is arrogance, and B is bottles, then two C-list actors is definitely not equal or greater than A minus B."

Or rather: 2 x C ≠ or > A – B

Got it? (See, fun and educational!)

We’re just sayin’.

UPDATE: Matt Levine responds via e-mail and has this to say:

"I have nothing but respect for… people in the industry… but come on – this story is bogus and wacky. Not sure where you got your information, but it is completely inaccurate and completely false… Isn’t even an inkling of facts or truth. Even the "quotes" — that is nothing close to what I would ever say, and I never even interacted with a waitress. It’s amazing how a story can be completely made up…"

Matt Levine also graciously requested we remove this narrative from our website. And we would (because, quite frankly, it just doesn’t matter that much to us), but since Eater has already more widely spread our little anecdote, the point just seems kinda moot now. And removing it altogether would probably just serve to increase the curiosity about what the report entailed, possibly fueling even more outlandish "fabrications" in the end.

In any case, the bottom line is this: sometimes stories like this need to be taken with a grain of salt— by ALL parties involved, including our audience. Had this been an account of Levine blowing rails in a banquette or banging hookers in the bathroom, perhaps we would have "fact check[ed]" first, as Levine would have "appreciate[d]." However, in this particular circumstance, we simply didn’t believe anybody would have a reason to make up a tale as absurd as this— nor a "quote" as utterly fabulous as "Look into my eyes…"
This is simply an amusing anecdote, meant to entertain— about an endlessly faaascinating industry, about a person within that industry who, like it or not, has successfully captivated and retained your decidedly limited attention span. So ya know— I guess yalls should ponder that one for a minute, bitches.

In short: We wholeheartedly thank Matt Levine for his courteous and heartfelt response. (And perhaps humbly suggest that next time, he more advantageously train his stupid fucking door people.)
God bless New York, God bless America and the First Amendment, and God bless us all, everyone. We would further venture to ask: Can’t we all just get along? But ha ha ahaa that would just be retarded.

Carry on, mutherfukkers.

* * * * *

Have you heard?
Until the release of PX Me (Summer 2011), this website will henceforth be updated only intermittently (approximately once or twice a week).
Abbe Diaz’s new (daily) blog is now at: abbediaz.com

The Blabber in the Trenches

A Sommelier, a GM, a Restaurateur, and a Blogger walk into a bar… order some drinks, get a little tipsy, and— what else? — start gossiping like a bunch of sewing bee bitches. It went down a little something like this:

Blogger: … because I had lunch with _____ yesterday.

Sommelier: Oh you did? Where is she now? What’s she up to?

B: The new Hotel Americano. It looks good. Sounds nice. A restaurant on the main, two indoor bar/lounges, and another restaurant/lounge on the roof, with a little lap pool. Great views. It’s cute. The rooms are hip and chic, kinda like a more boutiquey Standard or something. Good high end exotic mini-bottles in the fridge and fancy gourmet snacks with adorable packaging, that sort of thing. Patent leather architectural bean bags and crooked "melting" trash cans. Even the robes are cute… and I must say they got some great creative marketing ideas…
It’s too bad Sleep No More [next door] has got such a short run… it’s really good. I heard they want to stay but Bagatelle already has a lease on the building… in May, I think…?

GM: … Ohhh! Speaking of hotels, guess whose lease is almost up? Your boy, ______! They only have about another year or so left. And the contract is NOT being renewed. _____ already started talking about it, he’s doing so well with [the F&B] at ______, he sure doesn’t need ______ anymore. Whooops! There goes a biiig money-maker…

Restaurateur: Well, that makes sense. And it would be better for ______ anyway, that place needs an infusion of new blood; it’s just old and stale now. It’s only that great location that keeps them going…

GM: And all its former glory…

S: …. hahahahaha, buh-bye!

GM: Considering they just closed _____, I mean, ouchie! That’s gotta smart.

R: Tsk, what a shame.

B: … And EMM lost the contract at _____ to Strategic.

S: Oh wow, they can’t be happy about that. What is up with those dudes? Can’t they all just get along?

B: Is Aalex Julien going to join Strategic now? I think I heard some whispers about him talking to them…

S: Whatever, wouldn’t be surprised…

B: … Oh you know who I ran into the other day— Pichet Ong.

GM: Ah, how’s he doing?

B: Good. He wants to blog about his jeans.

S: Whut—?

B: His jeans. Apparently he bought some "broad denim"— is that the right term? — jeans at the Liquor Store the other day. The hard ones, I guess? And the salesman told him he has to wear them sitting in the tub like three or four times, and then once they properly mold to your ass, you can’t wash them for like three months or some shit.

GM: Get the fuck outta here.

B: No, really. That’s what he said. And then he’s gonna blog about it. Ha ha ha aha hah food-pros blogging about fashion. Who ever heard of such a ridiculous thing?

GM: The things people will do for press these days…

S: Yeah, I wanna see Pichet’s cake-making ass in a pair of molded jeans.

GREATEST HITS: PX This [The Blahg]

Hi! Thank you for your "search"!
This website is currently undergoing changes as it continually progresses, so the entry for which you are seeking has likely been archived within "The Greatest Hits – PX This [The Blahg]". It was removed from its original location in preparation for the upcoming release of PX Me (The Sequel to PX This). If you would like more information and/or further clarification on this particular narrative, please read PX This – The Revised Edition and/or its sequel, PX Me (How I Became a Published Author, Got Micro-Famous, and Married a Millionaire).

And so without further ado— by popular (search engine) demand, we proudly present THE GREATEST HITS of PX This [The Blahg]

"John Gulager, Project Greenlight"

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2005. 11:48AM:

Last night I went and had drinks with GUESS WHO

JOHN effing GULAGER! Yay!

… And of course I could tell all sorts of interesting things I learned from him about the movie business and hollywood type stuffs and Afflecks and Weinsteins and Moores [oh my]–
but I shan’t. Because John Gulager very distinctly said to me: "don’t go writing any of this up on that thingie of yours now."
(mind you he said "now," so I guess you’ll just have to wait for PX Me to come out, hee ehee.)

Oh and in case you’re wondering, John Gulager’s wifey Diane Goldner loooves her totally fierce Geld Iaz Feast Premiere dress. Actually she told me she probably would have rocked it last week at the Emmy Awards instead, had she and John Gulager not been invited like "sooo last minute." Stupid hollywood.

Anyway. John Gulager actually read PX This, can you believe it?! He said he "started in the middle and then continued to the end and then started at the beginning" whatever the hell that means. Something about my book not giving him "the impression" it absolutely "needed to be read chronologically" (even though hellooo, the fucking thing is like totally chronological, no?).
What ever. I only mention it at all because other peoples have said the same sort of thing to me too, and I must say it kinda makes me a little bit nutso.
Oh but John Gulager did call me "the Truman Capote of the restaurant industry" so that was great! Aaand he even called himself "the BIG Johnny G" ha ha ha aha haa snort.

Yah so. Here’s a picture of John Gulager saying "hi there!"
He was talking to Marcus Dunstan the co-screenwriter of Feast right at that moment, and he even handed me his cellie to say hello, isn’t that sweet? Marcus Dunstan was really nice on the phone, I said congratulations on "the bestest Project Greenlight season ever!" and he replied "wow, thank you so much!"

… Hooray! GO GULAGER!

MONDAY OCTOBER 2, 2006. 10:18AM:

… Check it, it’s Diane Goldner, John Gulager‘s wifey, remember them? In her fierce Geld Iaz dress that she wore to the Feast premiere!

And if you click that little photo then it will take you to the special WireImage page, where you will also see a picture of my beloved Ben Affleck right smack up there too!
So okay did you catch that, my dress was at the Feast premiere with Ben Affleck– where I’m sure at some point in the night he must have been forced to gaze upon my beautiful Geld Iaz creation and admire it in all its exceptional splendor. Now tell me that’s not trippy in some bizarro cosmic way…

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pxthis.com archives

This is an abbreviated version of Abbe Diaz’s diary/blog entry on September 26, 2005 and October 2, 2006, for archival purposes only. A far more detailed, thorough, and incisive account is to be included in Diaz’s upcoming second book, PX Me (How I Became a Published Author, Got Micro-Famous, and Married a Millionaire)