Uh-oh. Ugh… oh!

December 22nd, 2010 by The House


Uh-oh. Ugh… oh!



from: Hollywood Professional/Producer Dude <***@***.com>
to: px this <px.this@gmail.com>
date: Tue, Dec 21, 2010 at 10:47 AM
subject: RE: ***


Hey there,
Yeah, I read that story… a while back. Sucks. But that’s Hollywood. A while back, *** and I were pitching a motion picture treatment I wrote with *** called ***, which was about a guy who ***. Two weeks after we met with some big players, *** (director of ***) announces he’s doing a movie called *** that had roughly the same plot. Suddenly, no one’s returning calls.
Anyway, if I may (now, this is a preface phrase that obsequious assholes use before they convey a contrary opinion, but I mean it in the best possible way here), I think you might be approaching TV the wrong way. Here’s my thought:
Episodic television is expensive and largely unprofitable, unless you’re among the top 20 shows on TV. It can cost upwards of $1 million per episode to produce a new show from scratch, and then the networks have to pray they get their money back before the show gets canceled in the first season. ABC’s biting the big one this season. I think only one or two of their new shows are making any headway in the ratings. The rest will likely be canceled by season’s end.
Reality TV (as much as I hate uttering the phrase) is far less risky, and can cost as little as $100,000 per episode to produce. That makes it almost instantly profitable, even if the show is only pulling a .1 or a .2 in the Nielsens. Moreover, look at what MTV was able to accomplish with that collection of STD-ridden train wrecks on Jersey Shore. I mean, ye gods. I wouldn’t touch Sooki to push her away, let’s be serious. But there they are, making money hand over fist (no pun intended) with the most insufferable group of TV personalities this side of the cast of Sex and the City (quick joke – Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”).
But here’s where you could shine, because you’re actually smart and witty and you have an attitude that is nothing short of a force of nature. In that context, I think you could offer a show that’s always unpredictable and interesting, because you just don’t give a shit what people think about you. You wear you integrity like a Vera Wang with body armor as an accessory. And frankly, in the context of episodic television, I doubt you’d be able to find an actress who could capture your personality well enough to portray you. I think most of the actresses who might audition for the role would, at best, come off as a conceited bitch, because your personality is more complex than I think television can capture through a scripted series.
David Chase (creator of the Sopranos and one of my favorite TV writers because of his long run on The Rockford Files) once said the TV is a prisoner of dialogue, because there is no budget for action. Honestly, I don’t think your life and experiences can be captured through talking heads on a screen. It’s situational, chaotic and goes from the ridiculous to the sublime in a matter of seconds. I can’t think of too many TV writers who could capture that without trivializing it.
So, my suggestion for you is to think about a reality show that can capture your life as it is, maybe even revisiting some of the people and places from your blogs and your book. Good TV is about conflict, and you don’t have to look too far to find it. Like you, I am convinced that Darwin was wrong. The unfit have survived, and we have allowed them to breed at an alarming rate. Putting someone like you out there, I mean really out there, could make for some really good TV – better than any shit some pothead TV writer could concoct…

… Signed,
Hollywood Professional/Producer Dude


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• See also (earlier/related): Who Would Play You?



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