F&F: The Dutch (Miami Beach)

February 29th, 2012 by The House


PX This presents THE F&F REVIEW

Hey, sorry we couldn’t make it to "Friends&Family," we were out of town/ had to work/ not invited. We’re really glad we finally managed to come by, though— it’s so nice to see you!
What’s that? You would still like us to take the time to fill out the F&F survey, because you’d love to take advantage of all our vast experience, knowledge, insight, and expertise as long as we’re already here? Because you invited 75 people to F&F, and afterward all you got was 41 "Congrats[es]!" 22 "Awesome[s]!" 3 "Ciao[s]!" and 9 "Best of luck[s]!" ?
Of course, we’d be honored. Oh ha, yesss, we’ll be honest— brutally honest even, ha ha! After all, that’s what friends & family are for! No no please, don’t send anything more, we’re stuffed, we can’t breathe, you’ll have to roll us out of here, ha ha ha… !


The Dutch (Miami Beach)

What was your first impression?
It’s nicer than the one in New York.

Please rate the Bar:
Ugh christ. Can’t… do… thisss… sooo… BORED… TO… TEARS.
See Dutch New York, please pretty please? It’s the same shit, just I dunno, bigger. Lighter. Brighter. And uh, airier. Higher ceilings.

Please rate the drinks/ cocktails/ wine:
They’re fine.
(Or ya know, see above.)

Please rate the Dining Room:
Oh my lord kill me now.
Look! Pictures!

Please rate the BOH:
No, really. Not all that impressed.
Oh but they must be having some kind of foodentity crisis or something; according to the bartender, they decided quite abruptly in the middle of the Food & Wine Festival weekend, that they’ve "taken the fried chicken off the menu as of last night" despite it being "theee most popular dish."
Figure that one out. Oh wait, I tried. Nobody was ordering any of the other entrees? Maybe! (The fried chicken was removed from the New York menu ages ago as well, even though all the foodie blogs and whatnot creamed themselves and/or pissed their pants over the stupid fucking fried chicken.)

How was the staff?
Well, the bartender did buy us a round of drinks. Seeing as we waited over half an hour for the menu to change from breakfast to lunch just so we could order the fried chicken. As a matter of fact, if it weren’t for the fried chicken, we would have preferred breakfast instead (and wouldn’t have bothered to wait the nearly forty minutes).
So that was nice.

What did you eat?/ How was the food?
Not the damned fried chicken! Evidently, it’s 86ed. Forever. You’d think the kitchen could have clued the staff in earlier, but whatevs!
So, yeah. Asian white boy rib, tuna niçoise salad, burrata salad: Whoop de doo. Even the ribs were bland— nothing to write home about. SO WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME DO THIS ARRGGH?

What did you like?
It’s… new?

What did you dislike?
That I’m such a slave-whore to novelty.

What was your last impression?
It seems like the W hotel really wanted more like a Pastis or Schiller’s or something, but couldn’t have / afford it. Sooo, The Dutch was next on the list? Really? (That kinda speaks volumes right there is alls I’m sayin.)

Would you come back?
With The Setai right next door? Uhh hmmrr yeeeaa…

Thank you, and hope to see you soon!
Ha ha ha ha ahaa somehow I doubt that, but thanks.



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Have you heard?
Until the release of PX Me – The Sequel to PX This (Spring 2012), this website will henceforth be updated only intermittently (approximately once or twice a week).
Abbe Diaz’s new (daily) blog is now at: abbediaz.com



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