hey, did you happen to see The Daily News this morning?
awesome, isn’t it?
well, if you happened to see the thingie on Hamptons.com the other day too, i just wanted to point out that my full statement was actually:
"Oh geez, why does it always boil down to Gwyneth Paltrow? …I’m far more fascinated by the logistics and implications of a multi-billion dollar food-and-beverage-as-entertainment industry that literally hoodwinks and exploits its most devoted followers and passionate patrons, not to mention what it does to its dedicated laborers. Or maybe the burgeoning self-sufficient sustainability of creative careers, what with the proliferation of personal technology and the Internet and all. Or even just plain life as comedy in general. But with this pervasive victory of triviality over substance, every time people mention my name, it’s stupid Gwyneth Paltrow. Can we move on already? Oh, no? Okay, then. Yes it’s true. Gwyneth Paltrow is a total creepface."
ha ha ha ahahaa. i’m just sayin.
thank you, Daily News! yay me!
* * * * *
Have you heard?
Until the release of PX Me (Summer 2011), this website will henceforth be updated only intermittently (approximately once or twice a week).
Abbe Diaz’s new (daily) blog is now at: abbediaz.com
Thank you, Hamptons.com!
Damn, now that’s one of the bestest, intuitivest, most comprehensivest things about myself I’ve ever read. (Except maybe the title. But whatever!)
Thank you!
"Celebrities Stink (Mostly): Maître D To The Stars Names Names" – Hamptons.com
Uh-oh. Ugh… oh!
(sigh.)
from: Hollywood Professional/Producer Dude <***@***.com>
to: px this <px.this@gmail.com>
date: Tue, Dec 21, 2010 at 10:47 AM
subject: RE: ***
Hey there,
Yeah, I read that story… a while back. Sucks. But that’s Hollywood. A while back, *** and I were pitching a motion picture treatment I wrote with *** called ***, which was about a guy who ***. Two weeks after we met with some big players, *** (director of ***) announces he’s doing a movie called *** that had roughly the same plot. Suddenly, no one’s returning calls.
Sigh.
Anyway, if I may (now, this is a preface phrase that obsequious assholes use before they convey a contrary opinion, but I mean it in the best possible way here), I think you might be approaching TV the wrong way. Here’s my thought:
Episodic television is expensive and largely unprofitable, unless you’re among the top 20 shows on TV. It can cost upwards of $1 million per episode to produce a new show from scratch, and then the networks have to pray they get their money back before the show gets canceled in the first season. ABC’s biting the big one this season. I think only one or two of their new shows are making any headway in the ratings. The rest will likely be canceled by season’s end.
Reality TV (as much as I hate uttering the phrase) is far less risky, and can cost as little as $100,000 per episode to produce. That makes it almost instantly profitable, even if the show is only pulling a .1 or a .2 in the Nielsens. Moreover, look at what MTV was able to accomplish with that collection of STD-ridden train wrecks on Jersey Shore. I mean, ye gods. I wouldn’t touch Sooki to push her away, let’s be serious. But there they are, making money hand over fist (no pun intended) with the most insufferable group of TV personalities this side of the cast of Sex and the City (quick joke – Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”).
But here’s where you could shine, because you’re actually smart and witty and you have an attitude that is nothing short of a force of nature. In that context, I think you could offer a show that’s always unpredictable and interesting, because you just don’t give a shit what people think about you. You wear you integrity like a Vera Wang with body armor as an accessory. And frankly, in the context of episodic television, I doubt you’d be able to find an actress who could capture your personality well enough to portray you. I think most of the actresses who might audition for the role would, at best, come off as a conceited bitch, because your personality is more complex than I think television can capture through a scripted series.
David Chase (creator of the Sopranos and one of my favorite TV writers because of his long run on The Rockford Files) once said the TV is a prisoner of dialogue, because there is no budget for action. Honestly, I don’t think your life and experiences can be captured through talking heads on a screen. It’s situational, chaotic and goes from the ridiculous to the sublime in a matter of seconds. I can’t think of too many TV writers who could capture that without trivializing it.
So, my suggestion for you is to think about a reality show that can capture your life as it is, maybe even revisiting some of the people and places from your blogs and your book. Good TV is about conflict, and you don’t have to look too far to find it. Like you, I am convinced that Darwin was wrong. The unfit have survived, and we have allowed them to breed at an alarming rate. Putting someone like you out there, I mean really out there, could make for some really good TV – better than any shit some pothead TV writer could concoct…
… Signed,
Hollywood Professional/Producer Dude
* * * * *
(sigh.)
• See also (earlier/related): Who Would Play You?
The 7 Types of Celebrity Restaurant Patron: From the “Angel” to the “A**”
My very first job in the Food & Beverage Industry was as a waitress at Pizzeria Uno on Route 4 in Paramus, NJ (I quickly graduated to the glamorous position of cocktail waitress at the motel lounge next to the gas station on Route 17-S in Hasbrouck Heights).
25 years later, I am the "Maitre d’ to the Stars." Get a load of me. Google me, bi#ch!
Obviously, that makes me an "expert." Like a Psychologist almost. Except my specialty is stars, so maybe more like an Astrochologist. It’s my job to recognize stars (big stars and little stars and all the stars in between) and prioritize them properly according to dazzle, cut, clarity, etc to determine the restaurant’s level of collective obsequiousness to maximize the dining room’s efficiency and potential.
So I mean like for example, before a celebrity can even think to say "jump," I already know how high.
Every now and again somebody will inquire what that’s like, to be surrounded by such sparkly people all the time. Or they’ll even specify some stars by name, looking for some profound insight from me to substantiate their fanatical affinity.
So I put together this handy list— because I can tell you really like lists. These are all the stars and other such celestial bodies I oversaw personally (or a colleague told me about the following day because I happened to have the evening off the night before) organized accordingly.
Keep it as a handy reference! Or just… for better hallway vision.
The A-List Angel
We may as well start at the top! Zoologically, the behavior of the "Angel" seems to indicate an empathy with lesser beings (aka everyone not on the A-list; aka you, or me). Presumably the Angel has achieved personal success (and likely, happiness?) through extensive labor and abundant experience. The Angel assimilates well in various environments and is often engaged in intellectual/charitable pursuits as well as the conventional money, hoes, and clothes.
The Angel is most likely to dress casually, speak politely, exude confidence, engage amicably with personnel, and tip very generously.
See: Ben Affleck, Will Smith, Julianne Moore, Renee Zellweger
The Poof
Poofs are the most ubiquitous of celebrities, often appearing at venues the minute their stylist tells them about it. The Poof typically (but not exclusively) garners popularity by superficial means and/or an awesome stroke of luck, hence the moniker; the Poof is probably most afraid of waking up one day to find that *poof!* all that money and/or attention is suddenly all gone.
The Poof is most likely to dress flamboyantly, speak brashly, exude strong cologne, demand special attention, and leave the party right before the check arrives.
See: Steven Cojocaru, Donald Trump, Lizzie Grubman, Jennifer Lopez
The Angel Poof
A sort-of haphazard mishmash of above.
The Angel Poof customarily has acquired fame via brains and self-made fortune. Like a Blue Collar Billionaire Boys Club or something. This includes Bankers, Ballers, Entrepreneurs, and Google employees.
Angel Poofs are most likely to dress any damned way they please, mumble incoherently, exude $100 bills, roll a dozen deep, try tables "on for size" before choosing a location in the dining room, and pay the check via e-mail before the party even arrives.
See: Jayson Williams, Vivi Nevo, John Utendahl, Richard Bressler, Steven Greenberg
The Micro
Micros are the easiest to classify but the most difficult to characterize. Micros tend to be mercurial; their status as a "local" celebrity make them the most apt to exhibit behavior reflective of their day. However, the Micro is often endearing by virtue of their persistent presence, like a puppy or a goldfish.
The Micro is most likely to dine in one’s pajamas, expect to be understood telepathically, exude ennui, demand complicated alterations to the menu, know the entire staff by name, and absent-mindedly "forget" to leave a tip.
See: Tony Shafrazi, Sante d’Orazio, Calvin Klein, Robert de Niro
The MetaMicro
Restaurant Investors, Chefs, Operators, Friends, Family, Friends of Investors, Family of the Chef, Friends of Family of…
you get the picture.
The MetaMicro is likely to dress emblematically, use expressions like "86," "fire," and "mise en place," dine without complaint at the bar or "communal," hold their glassware by the stem or the base, and leave 25% and up gratuity (depending on how many items were "sent" from the kitchen).
See: Mario Batali, Bobby Flay, Emeril Lagasse, Anthony Bourdain, Wylie Dufresne
The Diva
Curiously, this classification seems to aptly suit any celebrity that does not fit neatly into any other category. Divas can be either self-proclaimed or publicly acknowledged; either way, they’re "divas," due in no small amount to their extraordinary ability to violently fluctuate between fierce and, uh… fierce. Divas can be so good when they choose and so bitchy every other time. Nobody can predict the behavior of a Diva. They’re like aliens.
See: Gwyneth Paltrow, Ellen Barkin, Woody Allen, Graydon Carter
The A-List A-Hole
Ugh, the worst. You see one coming your way, run.
The A-List A-Hole is evidently so spoiled by his/her stardom, he/she thinks everybody in the world is his/her personal whipping gimp.
The A-List A-Hole is most likely to accessorize expensively, speak condescendingly, exude funky aura, arrive extremely late for reservations, and smack you upside the head with a telephone.
See: Russell Crowe
First of all, thank you so much for your encouraging inquiries and continuing support.
Secondly— okay so, here’s the deal. The Amazon Kindle version of PX This – The Revised Edition is FINALLY available. Yes, it took forever, it’s true. You’re dying to know why, aren’t you?
Well, did you know that, still, as of today, the Amazon Kindle e-reader device does not support sans-serif fonts of any kind? You may not think of this as any big deal, but believe it or not, it almost drove me completely out of my mind. As you’re probably aware, PX This was written in a certain style (reminiscent of, oh— e.e.cummings, let’s say) that relied tremendously on the specific aesthetic of a sans-serif font. I’m aware it’s difficult for some of you prosaic, narrow-minded, tunnel-vision jerkoffs to fathom, but it was all a conscious creative decision intended to convey a certain disposition in my narrative.
Well, I felt sooo strongly about this sans-serif font, I scoured the internet for a solution and searched high and low for a CSS/HTML programmer who could solve the dilemma of converting PX This to the Kindle .mobi format while still maintaining the sans-serif font, all to no avail. I even sent irate messages to Amazon Kindle on Facebook®, I am not even kidding. In the end, I had no choice but to revise PX This – The Revised Edition (AGAIN) specifically for Kindle’s sans-serif-font-hating interface.
Perhaps you’ve noticed the last few weeks, I have adopted the standard usage of the "shift" key on my keyboard for most of my recent blahg posts. Yup, I’ve given in to The Man (as stupid as he is); no more lowercase-loving for me.
[ It's probably all for the best anyways, it's all over the interwebs, everybody is doing it now, it's gotten hackneyed and banal and totally played out--- you'll recall PX This was originally written in the years 2000-2004 when blogs/comments didn't even exist yet.]
This will essentially afford me the luxury of writing the sequel to PX This one time and ONE TIME only. Hallelujah.
Which, lastly, brings me to my next announcement:
The release of the sequel to PX This (formerly tentatively titled PX This Too) has been DELAYED. Sorry, re-writing PX This for the third time took up all the energy allotted to this project for the last several months.
My second book, PX Me – The Sequel to PX This (How I Became a Published Author, Got Micro-Famous, and Married a Millionaire) will be released in the SPRING of 2011.
Thank you so much again.
xoxo,
abbe
"… Overwhelmingly, e-books and e-readers have emphasized— and maybe over-emphasized— easy reading of prose fiction. All of the rhetoric is about the pure transparency of the reading act… Well, with some kinds of reading, we don’t always want the device to disappear. Sometimes we need to use texts to do tough intellectual work. And when we do this, we usually have to stop and think about their materiality…
We need displays that can preserve the careful spatial layouts of a modernist poet, rather than smashing it all together as indistinguishable, left-justified text. We need to recognize that using language as a graphic art requires more than a choice of three fonts in a half-dozen sizes. Some text is interchangable, but some of it is through-designed. And for good reason.
This is where we’ve been let down by our reading machines— in the representation of language…
Writers wanted to find a way to borrow the visual vitality of what was thought of as ephemeral writing and put it in the service of the conceptual richness and range of subject matter… That’s where we get literary and artistic modernism— not only Joyce, but Mallarmé, Stein, Apollinaire, Picasso, Duchamp, Dada, Futurism— the whole thing. New lines for a new mind, and new eyes with which to see them.
- "E-Books Are Still Waiting for Their Avant-Garde" | September 9, 2010 | Gadget Lab | Wired.com, by Tim Carmody
Okay, yeah yah, there’s a lot to absolutely despise about fashion, we all know this. But, every once in a thousand lifetimes or so, a great designer/label comes along with a collection that kinda reminds us all why we got into this ridiculous business in the first place. No big surprise this season it’s: Christopher Bailey of Burberry Prorsum.
What can we say? His shit is dope.
And yesterday at 4PM London time, Burberry did the smartest thing any person in Fashion doesn’t usually have the brain cells to conceive— it hired a genius computer geek and ran a live feed on the internets of its Spring/Summer 2011 runway show.
OMG, hallelujah! High Fashion, meet High Technology; High Technology, meet Moron Idiot Johnny-Come-Lately (aka Anna Wintour).
One look at this collection had us feeling both invigorated and forlorn. Invigorated, because it’s really great to see fashion making a semblance of sense every once in a fucking while. Forlorn, because we realized that in comparison, New York really sucks right now. Did you seeee the shows this season? Holy cow, we really suck, what an embarrassment. We have a famine of beauty, hunny— a FAMINE OF BYOOTEE!
On the up side, however, our models are MUCH better walkers— yup, even the regular non-super variety. Wooo child, even if you’re not into fashion at all, watch this show anyway just for a gander at the poor lanky clods. (Ohhh dear, maybe you should have stayed in bed for less than $10,000 today, sweetie.)
Anyhoo, the video directly at Burberry has far better quality, or check out the handy yootoob version offered below if you’re too lazy to click over. Enjoy!
***********************************************
For a factual, in-depth, and uniquely insightful peek into the world of high-fashion, read PX This – The Revised Edition featuring true-story encounters with such luminaries as Calvin Klein, Marc Jacobs, Azzedine Alaïa, Mohamed al-Fayed, Graziano de Boni, Ann Demeulmeester, Marc Bagutta, and so much more…
What up, homeslice?! Have you checked out yer girl… getting her… uh… face touched? Sure you have, but let’s see it again! ‘Cohs eets so punny, ‘de ba? LOL!
I mean, it’s a little weird how Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel used to have a show together, and then Adam Carolla dissed Filipinos and now Jimmy Kimmel has everybody touching homegirl’s face outside his office. Oh, and also: Jimmy Kimmel once laid the smackdown on former Gawker-blogger/swimsuit-model Emily Gould.
It’s like totally cosmic almost, isn’t it? Haw haw.
Happy Monday!
:)
GREATEST HITS: PX This [The Blahg]
Hi! Thank you for your "search"!
This website is currently undergoing changes as it continually progresses, so the entry for which you are seeking has likely been archived within "The Greatest Hits – PX This [The Blahg]". It was removed from its original location in preparation for the upcoming release of PX This Too (The Sequel to PX This). If you would like more information and/or further clarification on this particular narrative, please read PX This – The Revised Edition and/or PX This Too (coming soon).
And so without further ado— by popular (search engine) demand, we proudly present THE GREATEST HITS of PX This [The Blahg]
[*** warning: Eats, Shoots and Ladders Leaves freaks, please CLICK HERE* and HERE before reading any further. then take that favorite book of yours and stick it up your ass. thank you! ***]
"Mark Baker and Vicky Andren"
MONDAY, AUGUST 8, 2005. 10:48AM:
we just got back from europe, we went to the wedding of mark-baker and vicky-andren in stockholm, sweden.
wow, it was lovely. and totally fascinating.
weddings are such a trip.
ah haaa. literally
… there was rebecca-de.mornay and angie-everhart and ingrid-seynhaeve. and at the table with us was caroline-winberg (and her boyfriend "of two years" who apparently runs the Lydmar Hotel, he was really nice) and erik-wachtmeister who is the dude that founded aSmallWorld…
yah so then after that faboolous weekend in stockholm, we dropped by barcelona, spain…
*********************************************************************
pxthis.com archives
This is an abbreviated version of Abbe Diaz’s diary/blog entry on August 8, 2005, for archival purposes only. A far more detailed, thorough, and incisive account is to be included in Diaz’s upcoming second book, PX This Too (The Sequel to PX This) – Coming Soon in the Autumn of 2010
* "…The intellectual community, as usual, showed itself to be timid and divided, and even the most unexpected graphologists engaged in controversies regarding their inconsistent analyses of my handwriting. It was they who divided opinions, overheated the polemic, and made nostalgia popular…. Make no mistake: peaceful madmen are ahead of the future." – Gabriel García Márquez
okay yah, i have a very strong and twisted love/hate relationship with fashion, we all know this. bad me, bad me— it’s Fashion Week right now and i couldn’t care less.
BUT! i gotta admit, this was a good one.
sigh. yes, my photos suck and my stupid BlackBerry video thingie turned out to be all jiggly jumpetty and the size of a postage stamp. so i found this other video on the interwebs from like last year or whatever (sure, it’s "old" but at least you can get a better look at all the great clothes). so shoot me.
"asians love my work…" hee eheee. well, there you have it.
*********************************************
For a factual, in-depth, and uniquely insightful peek into the world of high-fashion, read PX This – The Revised Edition featuring true-story encounters with such luminaries as Calvin Klein, Marc Jacobs, Azzedine Alaïa, Mohamed al-Fayed, Graziano de Boni, Ann Demeulmeester, Marc Bagutta, and so much more…
Yeah yah, it’s NYC Fashion Week. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m totally flattered by the e-mails and Facebook® messages and whatnot, looking for my usual remarkably insightful and brilliantly sparkly perpspective on the whole rigmarole— but uhh… rilly?
Come on, you knooow you don’t want to get me started on this topic, do ya now? God forbid you end up all jaded and inured about all the glamour and "fabulosity," yes? How in the world would you ever be able to stand yourself?
Here, just look at all the pretty pictures instead:
Siiigh. Therrre you go, alllll better now…
*With very special thanks to Marc Bagutta
**********************************************
For a factual, in-depth, and uniquely insightful peek into the world of high-fashion, read PX This – The Revised Edition featuring true-story encounters with such luminaries as Calvin Klein, Marc Jacobs, Azzedine Alaïa, Mohamed al-Fayed, Graziano de Boni, Ann Demeulmeester, Marc Bagutta, and so much more…
The industry of Fashion, as you might presume, is plagued by pretty much the same kind of politics, opportunism, machinations, and bullshit as just about every other high-stakes form of capitalism in the world (including F&B, natch). So, far be it for us to advocate Anna Wintour‘s upcoming big annual whoopdedoo, Fashion’s Night Out. (Please, don’t even get us started…)
We would, however, like to strongly encourage you to do whatever the hells you please. Blind ignorance and stoic incomprehension is what fuels the economy after all! (♪♪ Got to have a J.O.B. if you wanna roll with me… ♪♪)
To that end, we bring news of a nice fusion (fooshion) between food and fashion (get it?) event for this momentous evening— namely:
The BondSt – Fashion Night Out Black Carnival
BEWITCHING HOUR BEGINS ON BOND STREET!
BONDST restaurant joins designers and friends including ROGAN, OAK, The Smile, Archetype Showroom & Hester Street Fair to be a part of the first annual Black Carnival, an outrageous neighborhood celebration sponsored by 42Below vodka in support of Fashion’s Night Out, on Friday, September 10, 2010. Between 6PM‐11PM, when all of New York’s most stylish denizens roam the city in search of fashion, fun and retail therapy, Bond Street between Bowery & Lafayette will be transformed into a celebration of the dark (& humorous) side of fashion – a carnival of black tents with games, music, cocktails and revelry. Noho friends and neighbors will all be present, providing unique experiences to be discovered up and down the street and throughout the dark bazaar. BONDST will set up in a tent in the carnival to sell Spicy Crispy Shrimp and Sushi Hand Rolls. The new Japanese restaurant will also stage a ring toss game with sake bottles. The prize for getting a ring on is a free drink in the BONDST lounge. 3 rings for $1 – come join us!
"A celebration of the dark (& humorous) side of fashion," ha ahaa. Awesome! How can you resist?!
************************************
For a factual, in-depth, and uniquely insightful peek into the world of high-fashion, read PX This – The Revised Edition featuring true-story encounters with such luminaries as Calvin Klein, Marc Jacobs, Azzedine Alaïa, Mohamed al-Fayed, Graziano de Boni, Ann Demeulmeester, Marc Bagutta, and so much more…
GREATEST HITS: PX This [The Blahg]
Hi! Thank you for your "search"!
This website is currently undergoing changes as it continually progresses, so the entry for which you are seeking has likely been archived within "The Greatest Hits – PX This [The Blahg]". It was removed from its original location in preparation for the upcoming release of PX This Too (The Sequel to PX This). If you would like more information and/or further clarification on this particular narrative, please read PX This – The Revised Edition and/or PX This Too (coming soon).
And so without further ado— by popular (search engine) demand, we proudly present THE GREATEST HITS of PX This [The Blahg]
[*** warning: Eats, Shoots and Ladders Leaves freaks, please CLICK HERE* and HERE before reading any further. then take that favorite book of yours and stick it up your ass. thank you! ***]
"Beyonce @ Cipriani 55 Wall"
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2005. 11:18AM:
… so last night was the official finale for this season’s Wall Street Concert Series at Cipriani55Wall featuring beyoncé! holy cow she’s gorgeous. i got to sneak in earlier and watch her rehearse and everything, she was all dressed down like she just rolled out of bed, and still she was so beautiful. actually i think she looked better without all the pancake and glitter and whatnot. don’t get me wrong, she was stunning during the concert, but just in her jeans without any makeup— no joke, she looked ten years younger.
anyways, it was a great extravaganza, beyoncé really put on quite the show. she sang and danced and changed her outfit so many times.
eheee at one point she handed her microphone down to alex-rodriguez standing in the audience so he could sing-along, and omygoodness. that poor boy couldn’t carry a tune if it was shaped like a baseball bat.
and the performance in the audience was almost better than the show onstage. all the big ballers (shot-callers and brawlers) were in da house, everybody was glossin and flossin, on and on’in, till six in the mawnin. or something like that.
i saw damon-dash & piddy-diddy & harvey-weinstein & vivi-nevo & flavio-briatore & of course giuseppe-cipriani. i think jay-z arrived late, i didn’t spot him at all until almost the very end of the concert, he was backstage watching from the sidelines and it seemed even beyoncé was surprised to see him there, she looked over when the jumbotron abruptly caught him lurking in the wings and she suddenly beamed and blushed like lovestruck teenager. aww.
oh and harvey-weinstein was totally sweating my dress. i’m just sayin.
… yah so aside from that
last monday (october 31) was a… halloween dinner at Matsuri
… and it was lots of fun everybody was all dressed up in funny costumes. eric-goode was a boyscout. sean-macpherson was a totally convincing jesus-christ. sante-d’orazio was an archbishop. rachel-williams was ummm heidi? saint-paulie girl? something like that. and fisher-stevens was himself.
oh and valentino-garavani & his homeboy giancarlo-giametti were themselves too. do they have halloweenie in italy? i guess not.
… afterward was another party at Crobar…
mark-baker was a pirate. and the lovely vicky-andren was a stepford wife. oliver-stone was some kind of military soldier or veteran or something, i think.
and then later i heard was heidi-klum & seal & usher but i didn’t see any of them because we left by midnight.
finally was a stop at LaEsquina… serge-becker was dressed as a gimp which was totally the best costume all night.
pxthis.com archives
This is an abbreviated version of Abbe Diaz’s diary/blog entry on February 22, 2005, for archival purposes only. A far more detailed, thorough, and incisive account is to be included in Diaz’s upcoming second book, PX This Too (The Sequel to PX This) – Coming in the Autumn of 2010
* "…The intellectual community, as usual, showed itself to be timid and divided, and even the most unexpected graphologists engaged in controversies regarding their inconsistent analyses of my handwriting. It was they who divided opinions, overheated the polemic, and made nostalgia popular…. Make no mistake: peaceful madmen are ahead of the future." – Gabriel García Márquez
OK yea, so by now I’m suuure you’ve heard all about how stupid Miss Philippines totally blew her chances at the Miss Universe crown, by being such a dumbass.
Well, the only thing I can add to the continual running commentary currently pervading every single Puertochino household, clique, Nurses’ Lounge, and JollyBee, is this —>
Ha ha ha aha haah.
Get over it, homies. She was probably just a drag queen anyways.
Happy Friday!
:)
** With special thanks to Rachel Dagdagan
PX This presents THE F&F REVIEW
Hey, sorry we couldn’t make it to "Friends&Family," we were out of town/ had to work/ not invited. We’re really glad we finally managed to come by, though— it’s so nice to see you!
What’s that? You would still like us to take the time to fill out the F&F survey, because you’d love to take advantage of all our vast experience, knowledge, insight, and expertise as long as we’re already here? Because you invited 75 people to F&F, and afterward all you got was 41 "Congrats[es]!" 22 "Awesome[s]!" 3 "Ciao[s]!" and 9 "Best of luck[s]!" ?
Of course, we’d be honored. Oh ha, yesss, we’ll be honest— brutally honest even, ha ha! After all, that’s what friends & family are for!
No no please, don’t send anything more, we’re stuffed, we can’t breathe, you’ll have to roll us out of here, ha ha ha… !
What was your first impression?
Well, it looks "Moroccan," all right.
Please rate the Bar:
Not bad. Welcoming. Spacious enough. Pretty comfortable. And the bartender is very nice, if not entirely adept (could use a little more time getting used to the POS system).
Please rate the drinks/ cocktails/ wine:
Evidently, it was their "first day" with liquor— so that meant ix-nay on the arnishes-gay, as in no muddled grapes for that "St Tropez." (No olives for a martini, either.) They do however, have limes for their margarita so ha aha… olé!
Prices are reasonable at about $10 per cocktail and similarly averaged for wines by the glass. Plus the wine list is relatively diverse (if not particularly adventurous) with a pleasantly fine value in most of the selection.
Please rate the Dining Room:
It’s… okay. Hardly imaginative, but maybe that makes it more umm… authentic?
Please rate the BOH:
It’s quite good. But I admit I came in with pretty high expectations. I mean after all, I’m verrry familiar with the three-star work of Chef Rick Laakonen. You might even say I’m a fan. So I always did kinda wonder whatever happened to Rick Laakonen? It’s like he poof! vanished off the face of the earth or something.
Well! Now he’s… back?
How was the staff?
Fine. Wholly proficient in that "authentic" kind of way. Yah, let’s just say it’s much more Mediterranean and sorta much less "bistro."
What did you eat?/ How was the food?
Chicken Briwatt : Very good. Delicate yet hearty— but, I am a total sucker for phyllo. Great yogurt sauce too.
Crepe with ham, chicken, some kind of cheese, etc etc : Delicious. Exotic yet approachable. Despite its somewhat overwrought appearance, the flavors are actually distinctive in their congruence— if that makes any sense.
Grilled Octopus and Manila Clams Ragout : Also very good. Perfectly tender seafood. Savory and flavorful. Rustic but intricate all at the same time.
Beet and Goat Cheese Salad : Good. The least exciting/creative dish, but still a cut above most. Two kinds of beets, two types of prep. Fresh and tasty.
Black Kale with Pancetta : Fine. Expertly prepared, but the pancetta doesn’t quite add all the saltiness that’s likely intended. Just a wee bland.
What did you like?
The food was good. Maybe not as mind-blowing as I’d hoped, but really very solid and appealing.
What did you dislike?
Well, a really great martini would have hit the spot…
What was your last impression?
Actually, I wonder if Rick Laakonen is even here tonight. Everything was perfectly satisfactory, but there’s like a "spark" missing…
Would you come back?
The burger and the lamb— I already know what I’m going to order next time.
Thank you, and hope to see you soon!
Oh, you will.
:)
Greatest Hits: PX This [The Blahg]
Hi! Thank you for your "search"!
This website is currently undergoing changes as it continually progresses, so the entry for which you are seeking has likely been archived within "The Greatest Hits – PX This [The Blahg]". It was removed from its original location in preparation for the upcoming release of PX This Too (The Sequel to PX This). If you would like more information and/or further clarification on this particular narrative, please read PX This – The Revised Edition and/or PX This Too (coming soon).
And so without further ado— by popular (search engine) demand, we proudly present THE GREATEST HITS of PX This [The Blahg]
[*** warning: Eats, Shoots and Ladders Leaves freaks, please CLICK HERE* and HERE before reading any further. then take that favorite book of yours and stick it up your ass. thank you! ***]
"PX This Mercer Lobby Screaming"
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2005. 11:38AM
omygawd i got thrown out of theMercerHotel yesterday!
aha hah hahaa aah
oh okay that’s not ENTIRELY true. actually i left quietly of my own accord— because i am more than sufficiently aware lois-freedman (director of operations for jean-georges restaurants) doesn’t even HAVE the fucking authority to kick me out of theMercerHotel.
yah so anyways it was a real scene oh you should have been there— the best part was when lois-freedman started screaming at marc-bagutta at the top of her lungs "GET YOUR GIRLFRIEND OOOUT OF HEEERE! I’LL CALL THE COPPPS! IF JEAN-GEORGES WAS HERE, HE WOULD THROW HER OUTTT PERSSSONALLY!" i swear i thought her head was going to start spinning all around like that demonically possessed chick in that spooky exorcist movie.
and there were lots of other peoples (like dean-winters for example) sitting in the hotel lobby too trying to quietly enjoy their wine and tea and whatnot so they got some free entertainment. oh! i am sooo BUMMED i didn’t have any pxthis business cards on me to pass around like "thank yooou, we’ll be here all week."
by the way if you’re wondering why in the world lois-freedman would suddenly just bust out with her bestest impersonation of large-marge the lady truckdriver in Peewee Herman’s Big Adventure— alls i can say is: hmm. beats me!
so then anyways today we called ABhotels corporate office trying to understand why we are supposedly "NOT WELCOME EVVVERRR!"
they were very surprised to hear the news and so sweet saying this is not the case at all since we are such good and frequent patrons of theRaleigh in miami (and plus cuz we’re so faboolous) we are welcome "ANYTIME… ANYWHERE…" they even offered to send me a written apology.
yay!
[they also said something along the lines of "lois who..?" but oh never mind.]
anyhoo. oh yah so that same day after we’d left MercerHotel my pal "bunny"kim (who also used to work for jean-georges) and i went over to CiprianiDowntown to have some bellinis, because the poor thing needed a drink since she was so suddenly and unexpectedly subjected to lois-freedman’s freaky ballistic apeshit episode—
and hee eheee it was great, when we recounted to everybody what just occurred in theMercerHotel lobby, they were so amused and felt so sorry for us they comped our drinks and sent an entire meal from the kitchen too.
then afterward since we were in the area, we decided to pop into Kittichai around the corner.
and it was great, it just so happens dwayne-collins who also used to work with us for jean-georges is now the general manager of Kittichai. so when we recounted to everybody what just occurred in theMercerHotel lobby, they were so amused and felt so sorry for us they comped our drinks and sent an entire meal from the kitchen too.
and right then chef cedric-tovar happened to walk in, and it was great, when we recounted to him what just occurred in theMercerHotel lobby, he was so amused and felt so sorry for us he invited us over to Django (so he could comp our drinks and send an entire meal from the kitchen too).
geezus if we had kept going, we probably could have eaten for free all week long all over downtown NYC! ha ahaah
… but we were totally stuffed and couldn’t handle any more food so instead we decided to head over to Butter to check out the new monday night party thingie by richie-akiva & scott-sartiano & ronnie-madra.
it was really bunny-kim who wanted to go, so i was kinda totally prepared to despise every last minute of the experience. but actually, it wasn’t bad!
and i saw liev-schreiber & drea-dematteo & andre-harrell & sean-lennon & vincent-gallo & (of course) the olsen-twins. and that was just in the mere 40 minutes we stayed, a whole mess of other faboolous peoples were pouring in just as we were trying to get the fuck out. maybe i’m just too old fer that shit…
pxthis.com archives
This is an abbreviated version of Abbe Diaz’s diary/blog entry on February 22, 2005, for archival purposes only. A far more detailed, thorough, and incisive account is to be included in Diaz’s upcoming second book, PX This Too (The Sequel to PX This) – Coming in the Autumn of 2010
* "…The intellectual community, as usual, showed itself to be timid and divided, and even the most unexpected graphologists engaged in controversies regarding their inconsistent analyses of my handwriting. It was they who divided opinions, overheated the polemic, and made nostalgia popular…. Make no mistake: peaceful madmen are ahead of the future." – Gabriel García Márquez
MY rant.
Hey, did you see this? It’s Steve Cuozzo "ranting" about how no "good restaurants" opened in 2010. And then Keith McNally "ranted" in retaliatio… zzzzZZZzzzzzzzZZZzzz…
Huh, wha–? Sorry, I dozed off for a second there. Oh yeah, I was just about to rant my rant in retaliation to those two ranty rants. Why, you ask? Good question— seeing as DUH– nobody gives a fucking rat’s ass about anybody’s stupid, self-important, self-indulgent, sophmoric, idiotic fucking rant.
But hey, I’m just gonna throw my two cents out there, ‘cuozz— well, why not? It’s the internet age! That’s just how we roll. CLEARLY, any two-bit douchebag dipshit with a keyboard and a free Starbucks WiFi connection can pontificate superfluously about whatever the hell they please. And today, FINALLY, is my turn. Hooray!
Firstly, to Steve Cuozzo. Shut the hell up, you clueless, ignorant, obnoxious, pompous, obsequious, slimy TOOL SHED. Oh my Lord, reading your articles (on those very very very rare occasions which I do) makes me want to put a gun to my head, realizing that you actually still have a job as a journalist, because there genuinely remains a substantial contingent of morons out there who buy into your dim-witted drivel.
Not that I give a damn about a single thing or person you mentioned, but did you seriously just criticize certain chefs and restaurateurs for being in too many places at once, while extolling the virtues of not one, but two Jean-Georges restaurants that he opened within weeks of each other while simultaneously overseeing multiple outlets all over the world? Do you not see how hypocritical and downright laughable you sound?
Also, as a looongtime laborer within the NYC Food & Beverage industry, I can inform you (yeah, that’s right— you’re so ignorant you probably have yet to apprehend this) the fine dining industry in NYC for the most part, HATES NY POST-READING DINERS. Ask anybody. A bad review from the NY Post is like a gift from heaven; if it keeps out the arrogant, unsophisticated, self-entitled jerkoffs who read the NY Post, then Hallelujah! That’s half the bane of running a restaurant in NYC extinguished right there.
Pssst, Cuozzo. Oh, if you could only be "on the inside," as I am, and could hear the things that are said about you and your ilk, by the very same people who run to shake your hand upon your arrival. You’d probably be so traumatized, you’d need lithium for life. Do yourself a favor and "retire" to go write your great American novel already, could you? You make us sick, you freak.
Next, to Keith McNally. Oh, for fuck’s sake. Really? Don’t you have anything better to fucking do? Shouldn’t you be out scavenging distressed mirrors and wall tiles for the inevitable Chinese next-incarnation of your "genius-brilliance" or something? As a person who once used to work for you (Yeah, that’s right. Boo!) I can assure you that Frank Bruni got at least ONE thing right in his entire ill-conceived food-writing career, and that’s: You are not a nice man.
Your greatest skill is comprised wholly of your astoundingly systematic ass-kissing of those you deem worthy. Your second greatest skill is merely the fact that you’re only about half as maniacal as your loopy, rampageous brother. And the notion that you think these asinine indignant blusterings of yours are actually beneficial to your business as a whole is mind-blowing. Newsflash, idiot: The reason Pulino’s sucks such a fat dick is because you brought that cheezy icky clientele of yours to yourself.
Ha ha hah— go on now, Keith, run along and pen some other retaliatory unctuous rant e-mail that panders to those pizza-loving clowns. Just remember before you waste your energy— it’s still not going to bring Anna and Sir Anthony Hopkins looking for a banquette in that shithole.
Yours Truly and Sincerely,
*Dick Johnson*
= "personne extraordinaire"