• Admit it, you couldn’t have cared less about Juliet, the new Todd English helmed restaurant/lounge reportedly opening someplace in Chelsea.
Well, it turns out your hosts are Mark Baker and Artan Gjoni. All of a sudden you care just a little bit now, don’t you?
• Speaking of Todd English— for fuck’s sake, enough already. But, since the inbox here at PX This clearly won’t get a reprieve until it’s addressed, we’ll go ahead and finally fucking address it—
Dear Todd,
Personally, we think you come off as a bit of a tool. Quite frankly, we are so utterly discerning, insightful and knowledgeable, that your culinary antics (and/or entire career) usually fall way below our reproachful radar. Thus, the entirety of our commentary can best summarily be expressed in the sagacious words of our founder (coincidentally, a striking Asian woman, in case you didn’t know):
"I bet that cures him of his Yellow Fever Malaria HA HA HA AHAH HAHAHAHAHAAA."
Best,
Pee Ex This Dot Com
• Yoo hoo, Foster Kamer! We "MENSA[sic] -level Vikings" are still waiting for you to come and show us how intellectually deficient we are. We’re quivering in our boots! Please, oh mighty blogger cum twice-fired reservationist cum semi-employed "journalist"— impart upon us all the wisdom your vast experience of a couple years of professional blogging and briefly working as a telephone answerer for Keith McNally has bestowed upon you. We await your brilliance and enlightenment with heaving bosom and bated breath!
• Uh oh. Are the producers of "The Real Houswives of New York" just a bunch of big backdoor bigots? Hmmm maybe?
okay well thanks to the peoples who forwarded along all the hoopla about MinettaTavern and former Gawker whatever jesse-oxfeld. at first i thought it was kinda amusing, but i wasn’t going to address it because— well quite frankly, who gives a shit. woooo somebody who is not a PX got treated like dog poop by a "hott" restaurant! wow that is such the newsflash, i’m amazed there isn’t a whole fucking book about it.
oh wait right, there is. dipshits.
but whatever. you want the astoundingly brilliant wisdom i have come to be known far and wide across the interwebs for distilling with such consistency and remarkable aplomb?
you got it, bitches.
yah so.
okay when i read alls about what (allegedly?) happened, my first instinct was:
aha ha ha ha ahaaah i aint buyin it.
oh i mean— of coooourse i buy the part about some geeky writer dude getting dissed by MinettaTavern. i mean like, DUH.
but sorrrry, i don’t believe the keith-mcnally responsive "excuse" for one second.
you’re dying to know why, aren’t you?
well. lots of reasons!
but mainly cuz i feel like "oh child, i have BEEN THERE, honey."
see, i never had the (assuredly awesome) experience of working for keith-mcnally, but i have worked for his brother brian-mcnally (as you’re all well aware).
anyways one time, a former manager of Pastis told me it’s pretty much "the same" situation. and i believe it cuz even keith-mcnally’s beautiful and enchanting wife alina-johnson.mcnally a whiles ago remarked to me how she and her hubby used to "have screaming matches at the front desk" back when she was a maiterdee (wow that’s just like me and brian! without the ring, the house, and the babies). and then later a former manager of Balthazar confirmed all this with a little anecdote of his own. oh but i digress.
anyhoo
when i attempt to re-enact the whole scenario in my imagination, this is how i envision (with all the vast knowledge and undeniable insight i possess) the whole rigmarole musta gone down:
- geeky writer dude phones in, can’t get his rezzie, blah blah, pitches a hissy fit.
- reservationist "hannan" puts him on hold, checks his name in the OpenTable database and voilà— just as she suspected— he aint shit.
but wait! maybe there’s no OpenTable? fine. so okay she does the next best (and smartest) thing: she checks with big dawg himself. just in case. cuz ya know— some of the most obnoxious peoples on the telephone are often the most important peoples in the wooooorld, no?
- keith-mcnally replies to her inquiry: "jesse ox what? who the fuck is he?"
- and unfortunately, hannan doesn’t have an answer. tsk tsk bad hannan bad hannan. (that’s why you’re just a reservationist and not a maiterdee where all the big money and prestige is, hannan! start keeping up with that PageSix/GothamMag/blogger-circle-jerk, girl! unless of course this is just some stupid side gig to you, because you are too busy working on that PhD— in which case, you GO. carry on. just ignore me.)
- and so keith-mcnally decides: "i would throw out any peasant in the place…!" oh whoops, sorry! wrong restaurateur. i meant
– and so keith-mcnally decides: "eh. i’m too sexy for that clown." or something like that.
- and so hannan goes back to the telephone to inform jesse-ollyollyoxenfree he is not welcome EVERRRR. unless he wants to come at 6 or 11pm.
THEN! OMG IT’S ALLS OVER THE INTERWEBS A GEEKY WRITER DUDE GOT DISSED AAACK GAAGGH ARRRGGH SOUND THE CIRCLE JERKY ALARMS IT’S ANARCHY IT’S CHAOS AND WTF ARE THOSE BLONDE STREAK THINGIES HIS ACTUAL HAIRDO OR IS THAT SOME KIND OF BIZARRO LENS DISTORTION???!!!!
- so keith-mcnally responds to all the blogga blogga drama the only typically unimaginative way he can— he blames it all on poor stupid idiotic hannan. he claims:
"…Mr. Oxfeld was so pushy and aggressive on the telephone that she took it upon herself to distort the reservation policy to ensure that someone as unpleasant-sounding as Mr. Oxfeld would not be eating at Minetta Tavern…"
mmmm… hmm?
BULLSHIT i say.
riiiiight. hannan gives a rat’s ass WHO comes to MinettaTavern, WHY again? cuz i mean, it’s not like she CLOCKS OUT and GOES THE FUCK HOME after her shift working the phone lines or anything.
and she "took it upon herself" to brandish her sword and become the official guardian of the sanctity of the restaurant, cuz i’m sure they’ve NEVER HAD AN OBNOXIOUS PATRON BEFORE, and she really really really felt she wanted to EARN that $7.00 per hour, boy— cuz answering the neverending ringadings and saying the same exact shit a bazillion times a day simply isn’t exhibiting enough dedication to her field. right?
and let’s never mind that if mcnally’s excuse were true, hannan would soooo be FIRED right now. at least, that’s what would have happened at a brian-mcnally establishment. no wait, i’m sorry. she would be FIRED, unless she was really gorgeous and coquettish, and then she would be ‘FIRED with the option of re-employment.’
in short:
come on now. GET SERIOUS.
gawd you people are silly.
= "personne extraordinaire"