• Which former "celebrity" chef is (quite apparently) really desperate to find a job?
Anybody hiring? Call us— we’ll… uh… gladly make the introduction, take a standard headhunter’s commission, pat you on the back and wish you good luck (chances are you’re gonna need it).
• Which popular impresario’s shotgun wedding has insightful insiders scratching their heads at the peculiarly matched couple and hasty nuptials? Well, try checking back with them around December of this year— or hell, you should get pretty obvious "hints" even earlier. All your burning perturbed questions should be answered by then, duh. (Yea— it’s just about as… uh… typical as you can get.)
• Which new beleaguered hotel has a whooole new mess of problems to contend with? Their already-delayed opening is very likely to be postponed further. (Also, maybe expect a significant concept modification.)
• Which nightclub impresario (and friends) were tossed from his table at a tony East Hampton eatery? Evidently, this person is unaware of some basic restaurant rules. For example, when you go out to dine, you should always 1) actually order some FOOD, 2) NOT usurp tables meant/reserved for other patrons without permission, 3) LEAVE when even all your water glasses have long been cleared from the table, and 4) NOT be an obnoxious tool for absolutely no good reason. Or, ya know— take that cheap, self-entitled, arrogant attitude of yours back to downtown Manhattan where it belongs.
• Which vainglorious, injudicious, maladroit colleague has already been replaced but just doesn’t know it yet?
Sigh.
Lie down with dogs…
• Which restaurateur is in a quandary over a popular "concept" that was recently sold to somebody else? Damn those pesky majority shareholders, always getting in the way of personal profit.
• Which ostensible windfall is already causing more trouble than it’s (literally) worth? Tsk, tsk— mo’ money, mo’ problems. (Or, unfortunately in this case— no money, bigger problems.)
• Which (somewhat deluded) renowned restaurant group that recently found itself the target of a class-action wage-dispute lawsuit, is soon to come under fire again? This time the charge is sexual harassment, the details of which are forthcoming shortly. Unfortunately, it could be right around the time the alleged defendant is vacationing with his wife. (Quick, hide the newspapers.)
Well, you know what they say: Misery loves company. Now all they have to do is follow the leader.
• Which TriBeCa saloonkeeper’s recent brush with the law is hampering his liquor license application? Anyone know a good (fast) consulting "chef"?
"Restaurant" Needs Recipe for Crudité, Jell-O. Please Contact ASAP.
• Which West Village commercial landlord is spinning his wheels waiting for the rent check to arrive in the mail? Sorry, buddy— but the restaurant space your tenant recently "closed for renovations" isn’t reopening anytime soon, duh. Your former tenant has already spent all your rent money on his next venture elsewhere.
• Which "scoop" are we dying to disclose, but our Head Editor won’t let us (lest it alter the course of destiny)? Well, we’ll just sit back and wait for the story to play itself out. If history is any indication, it should be soon— and quite entertaining.
• Which law-breaking restaurateur is currently talking out of his ass? In a very thinly-veiled attempt at saving face (and business), he’s underplaying the severity of his organization’s latest situation. The simple, basic (and legal) truth is: they have far, far, far less options than they publicly assert. Despite ample precedents (and the law), some people never learn. But they soon will! The hard way.
• Which well-known restaurateur was so burned by a past endeavor, he’s currently "slave-driving" his newest chef? In spite of the chef’s resentment, however, relations remain ostensibly congenial. The chef isn’t willing to lose face any more than the restaurateur; job offers are slim out there. Just ask the predecessor.
Rumors swirling within the industry have Chef Akthar Nawab slated to take over the kitchen at a very popular downtown Mexican eatery. Which begs the question, "what about Zengo?" True, Zengo’s early populace reviews on the internet and word-of-mouth have been mixed at best, but even the most insightful, jaded veterans of the industry are raising their eyebrows over a move that practically takes transience to a whole new level. And let’s never mind the head scratching over why this particular downtown "classic" Mexican eatery (which remains one of the hottest spots in town despite its persistent lack of a boldface-worthy chef) would court a media darling like Nawab in the first place. Some insiders speculate its plans to expand by opening its first offshoot in Miami (ambitiously but tentatively scheduled for the next Art Basel) may have something to do with its new foodieblog-gratifying outlook, but others insist Nawab’s superficial popularity has little or nothing to do with this latest (alleged) development, noting, "he’s just a downtown dude… ya know… with friends in the restaurant." And still others feel fit to surmise the Miami location’s impending opening is still very much on precarious footing anyway, as potential investors continue to engage in the ol’ Subsidizers’ Shuffle.
[But, on a semi-related note: this famous Mexican restaurant is said to be aggressively advancing on its goal to establish a new Jamaican counterpart.]
Whatever? We’re just sayin’.
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Salman Rushdie hearts PX This – The Revised Edition by abbe diaz
• Which nightlife impresario is being "forced" to keep "embellishing" the truth? Rampant speculation has pushed him and his team into a corner, and creative storytelling is the only way to keep the dream hype alive. The truth is: despite multiple gestures and promises by a prospective deep-pocketed investor, the money simply hasn’t been delivered.
• Which well-known chef just got busted cheating on his wife again? Word on the street is his long "suffering" wife is so used to it, she doesn’t even care anymore. Refreshingly, her consistent gracious and courteous demeanor has softened the edges on sharp, snake-like forked tongues. Despite all his money and authority, it’s she who’s captured the hearts of the minions. Unfortunately, she can’t stop the tongues from wagging, but maybe she can at least take some comfort in knowing the mongering often ends, "… but she’s sooo nice… I really like her."
• Let’s play PX This – Mad Libs! From the Members Only forum (fill in the blanks):
"Now that the big day is drawing near and the hype is starting to build, can we place our bets on how long __________ and __________ are going to last with each other? Two notorious ________ under one roof yet again. This could be more fun to watch than ____________ at ____________." [Answers revealed to Members here.]
• Which rival nightlife impresarios are vying for the same space, unbeknownst to each other? One has a very deep-pocketed investor, but the other has A-list celebrity names "attached." Little do either realize the space has also caught the eye of two F&B powerhouse contenders as well. May the best man biggest check win!
• Which nightlife impresario who just had a baby is (typically) shagging his pretty, young bartender? Unfortunately for him, she now has bragging rights and knows how to use them. Damn that pesky Primadonna Complex!
• Which James Beard darling is ready to fly the coop (he helped put on the map)? Sigh… creative types…
*image by Shari Davis
• Which two longstanding nightlife impresarios have unexpectedly teamed up and are "thisclose" to inking a deal for a multi-level space in the West Village? Given their well-earned reputations (and the location of the building), this new venture could either be a smash hit of Waverly-Innsian proportions or a disaster of Beatrice-Innsian debacle-ness. At the very least, it should be fun to watch. For insiders, that is, since you won’t find anyone involved with the project offering up previews or preliminary information of any kind.
As per usual, you read it here first.
Now sssssshhhhhhhhhh…!
• Which not-so-longstanding F&B/nightlife impresario is "thisclose" to inking a deal with an established downtown restaurateur/operator? We have one word of advice, though: Better think twice about that "unbelievable" location. The community board for that district recently shot down a proposal for a restaurant on that very same street. Given the logistics of the projected impending business, putting all the eggs in that building’s basket may just be a colossal waste of time and energy.
OK, actually we have two words of advice (here’s one specifically for the restaurateur): Given the track record of said "impresario," putting any eggs in that big-cheese’s basket may just be a colossal waste of time and energy.
Don’t say we never warned you. But feel free to go ahead and learn the hard way if you must.
image by Shari Davis
• Which restaurant owner, already frustrated from being behind schedule and over-budget, is about to get the rudest awakening yet? If this person thinks the going is tough now, wait until the restaurant is finally open and running. Is history about to repeat itself? It almost already has, since much of what has happened thus far is straight from a past endeavor’s playbook. Next time when someone knowledgeable gives you free advice, try taking it.
• Which multi-milion dollar swanky midtown eatery is failing to live up to high expectations? It does approximately "20 covers a night," and despondent staffers are desperate to jump ship. Anyone hiring?
• Which chef of a famous Italian hotspot has been secretly doing consulting work for a new establishment mere blocks away? Some of the recipes are straight off the hotspot’s menu, and the hotspot’s proprietor isn’t exactly known for his patience and magnanimity. Good thing the hotspot isn’t "all about the food" — the newcomer likely won’t ever be a daunting competitor, despite its strikingly similar dishes being offered at up to 40% cheaper than the "original."
• Which well-known chef of a popular downtown destination may be ready to throw in the towel? Speculation has it the claims of "exhaustion" might just be a bluff tactic for less hours and more money. Unfortunately, this eatery has just about "had it," and isn’t bringing anything to the table. Try not to let the door smack you on the ass…?
• Which famous restaurateur has his eyes on a beleaguered bistro? Patience, my friend. The proprietor is up to the eyeballs with pressing matters, but will eventually be eager to discuss a fair partnership. There may be a few others players on the list of potentials, though, due to its lucky lucrative location.
• Which "ambulance chasing" attorney is about to be bushwhacked? Little does he realize his fatiguingly executed "every trick in the book" tactic isn’t going to result in the succumbing surrenderous settlement he’d gambled on. Too bad he hinged all his hopes on it, since his clients couldn’t afford a proper retainer. Guess he forgot there are a lot of other tricks in the book, too.
• Which nightlife promoter was busted trying to sell one particular hotspot’s precious hard-to-score reservations? He would have been permanently nixed from the nitery as persona non grata, had he not begged for mercy and leniency. Show some dignity, man.
= "personne extraordinaire"