PX This.

PX This would like to extend you and your loved ones a warm and happy holidays and a prosperous new year.

We’re outta here! We’re taking a much-welcomed extended recess. We will return on Read more…

Uh-oh. Ugh… oh!

(sigh.)

from: Hollywood Professional/Producer Dude <***@***.com>
to: px this <px.this@gmail.com>
date: Tue, Dec 21, 2010 at 10:47 AM
subject: RE: ***

Hey there,
 
Yeah, I read that story… a while back. Sucks. But that’s Hollywood. A while back, *** and I were pitching a motion picture treatment I wrote with *** called ***, which was about a guy who ***. Two weeks after we met with some big players, *** (director of ***) announces he’s doing a movie called *** that had roughly the same plot. Suddenly, no one’s returning calls.
 
Sigh.
 
Anyway, if I may (now, this is a preface phrase that obsequious assholes use before they convey a contrary opinion, but I mean it in the best possible way here), I think you might be approaching TV the wrong way. Here’s my thought:
 
Episodic television is expensive and largely unprofitable, unless you’re among the top 20 shows on TV. It can cost upwards of $1 million per episode to produce a new show from scratch, and then the networks have to pray they get their money back before the show gets canceled in the first season. ABC’s biting the big one this season. I think only one or two of their new shows are making any headway in the ratings. The rest will likely be canceled by season’s end.
 
Reality TV (as much as I hate uttering the phrase) is far less risky, and can cost as little as $100,000 per episode to produce. That makes it almost instantly profitable, even if the show is only pulling a .1 or a .2 in the Nielsens. Moreover, look at what MTV was able to accomplish with that collection of STD-ridden train wrecks on Jersey Shore. I mean, ye gods. I wouldn’t touch Sooki to push her away, let’s be serious. But there they are, making money hand over fist (no pun intended) with the most insufferable group of TV personalities this side of the cast of Sex and the City (quick joke – Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”).
 
But here’s where you could shine, because you’re actually smart and witty and you have an attitude that is nothing short of a force of nature. In that context, I think you could offer a show that’s always unpredictable and interesting, because you just don’t give a shit what people think about you. You wear you integrity like a Vera Wang with body armor as an accessory. And frankly, in the context of episodic television, I doubt you’d be able to find an actress who could capture your personality well enough to portray you. I think most of the actresses who might audition for the role would, at best, come off as a conceited bitch, because your personality is more complex than I think television can capture through a scripted series.
 
David Chase (creator of the Sopranos and one of my favorite TV writers because of his long run on The Rockford Files) once said the TV is a prisoner of dialogue, because there is no budget for action. Honestly, I don’t think your life and experiences can be captured through talking heads on a screen. It’s situational, chaotic and goes from the ridiculous to the sublime in a matter of seconds. I can’t think of too many TV writers who could capture that without trivializing it.
 
So, my suggestion for you is to think about a reality show that can capture your life as it is, maybe even revisiting some of the people and places from your blogs and your book. Good TV is about conflict, and you don’t have to look too far to find it. Like you, I am convinced that Darwin was wrong. The unfit have survived, and we have allowed them to breed at an alarming rate. Putting someone like you out there, I mean really out there, could make for some really good TV – better than any shit some pothead TV writer could concoct…

… Signed,
Hollywood Professional/Producer Dude

* * * * *

(sigh.)

• See also (earlier/related): Who Would Play You?

PX This presents THE F&F REVIEW

Hey, sorry we couldn’t make it to "Friends&Family," we were out of town/ had to work/ not invited. We’re really glad we finally managed to come by, though— it’s so nice to see you!
What’s that? You would still like us to take the time to fill out the F&F survey, because you’d love to take advantage of all our vast experience, knowledge, insight, and expertise as long as we’re already here? Because you invited 75 people to F&F, and afterward all you got was 41 "Congrats[es]!" 22 "Awesome[s]!" 3 "Ciao[s]!" and 9 "Best of luck[s]!" ?
Of course, we’d be honored. Oh ha, yesss, we’ll be honest— brutally honest even, ha ha! After all, that’s what friends & family are for!
No no please, don’t send anything more, we’re stuffed, we can’t breathe, you’ll have to roll us out of here, ha ha ha… !

La Petite Maison

What was your first impression?
Huh…?
Huh.

Please rate the Bar:
Sigh. Well, it’s… small. Smaller than the former Grayz bar, actually. Less welcoming, less accommodating, and less comfortable. So it kind of makes you wonder— since they went to all the trouble to tear down and yank out the old bar to move it to the opposite side of the room— why exactly did they make it so awful?

Please rate the drinks/ cocktails/ wine:
The cocktails are small too— but at least not terribly expensive. One look at the glassware is giving me a distinct "Cipriani" vibe, so I’m opting for the hard stuff instead of wine. Sorry, didn’t get a look at the list (but given the venue’s pedigree, I’m assuming it’s not particularly diverse nor irresistibly priced).

Please rate the Dining Room:
They raised the ceilings? Really. Umm, in the "atrium," maybe. Did they have to steal the height from the other (three) dining rooms?
And, I’m pretty confused. I’ve seen Cyril Durand-Behar‘s work before, and seeing this place just doesn’t make sense to me. Is it supposed to be a replica of the one in Nice, perhaps? Because that would sorta make all this nonsensical-ness make a little more sense. I think.

Please rate the BOH:
Is it supposed to be a replica of the one in Nice, perhaps? In which case, I guess I’ll just refrain. I mean— the food’s not the point anyway, right? (Let’s face it, I don’t go to Cipriani for the Veal Milanese if you hear what I’m sayin’.)

How was the staff?
They’re sweet.
Except for maybe the tall dude at the desk. And the slightly exasperated girl standing next to him. And the wee bit too agressive coat check girl. And the busboy who apparently doesn’t take too kindly to the camera built into your Blackberry.
The bartender— she’s nice.

What did you eat?/ How was the food?
Toast with bone marrow : Well, the low $10 pricetag does make me less inclined to officially complain that the bones are of poor quality and grossly undercooked.
Zucchini blossom beignet : It seems like they could be pretty good, but they’re cold. And ya know… deep-fried food… when it’s cold… is pretty bleah. Also, they’re not stuffed… with anything… in case that’s what you’re expecting… simply because other chefs usually make them that way…
Fried calamari : It seems like they could be pretty good, but they’re cold. And ya know… deep-fried food… when it’s cold… is oh forget it never mind. I give up.

What did you like?
Pass.

What did you dislike?
Sigh.
I’ll let you guess.

What was your last impression?
Thank goodness they found my friend’s coat.

Would you come back?
What do you think?

Thank you, and hope to see you soon!
Yeah yeah.

GREATEST HITS: PX This [The Blahg]

Hi! Thank you for your "search"!
This website is currently undergoing changes as it continually progresses, so the entry for which you are seeking has likely been archived within "The Greatest Hits – PX This [The Blahg]". It was removed from its original location in preparation for the upcoming release of PX Me -The Sequel to PX This. If you would like more information and/or further clarification on this particular narrative, please read PX This – The Revised Edition and/or PX Me (coming soon).

And so without further ado— by popular (search engine) demand, we proudly present THE GREATEST HITS of PX This [The Blahg]

[*** warning: Eats, Shoots and Ladders Leaves freaks, please CLICK HERE* and HERE before reading any further. then take that favorite book of yours and stick it up your ass. thank you! ***]

"Miami Beach… Nobu… Jeremy Piven…"

tue 12.28.05: seasons greetings!

well i had a really really fun holiday, maybe the funnest holiday ever!
marc-bagutta and i went to miami beach for a few days. of course we stayed at The Raleigh as usual. it’s always our first preference because all our favorite new yorkers are running that place. and it’s pretty too.

anyhoo the whole trip was great, joey-krutel entertained us the entire time. our first night we had dinner at China Grill because apparently ingrid-casares and tommy-pooch throw the wednesday night parties there. China Grill was a little better than i expected, it was actually quite satisfying. the menu looks really expensive— until the courses arrive and you see how big the food is. like for example one salad is a mountain of lettuce enough to feed an army of bunnies.

the next night we had drinks at The Sagamore and then dinner at Prime112. with jeremy-piven!
i was totally psyched because it was just last week i was telling marc-bagutta that Entourage is my new HBO obsession, i even dragged him out of bed at 10pm last sunday to make him watch it with me. so it was great that i had an Entourage anecdote to share with jeremy-piven.

jeremy-piven is really nice and he actually looks much better and younger in real life than on teevee. evidently he was just nominated for a golden-glob for best supporting actor so yay for jeremy-piven.
Prime112 is cute and all i suppose, but the food kinda sucked— marc-bagutta’s chicken was flavorless, my spinach was overcooked and salty, and my filet mignon was dry as a bone even though it was medium rare. it was tough and cartilagey too, if i picked it up and tossed it across the table i could have given jeremy-piven a black eye. but of course it was all gigantic portions, i guess that’s just a miami thing. quantity, not quality.

afterward we all went to Privé. but it was completely empty so instead we went to Opium Garden which is really the downstairs/outside section of the same nightclub but it has a different name and entrance. it’s sorta pretty actually. anyhoo Opium Garden was totally packed. or maybe it just seemed that way because every trick and ho in the place came by to shake their T’s and A’s at jeremy-piven and then they would crowd around and congregate trying to look nonchalant.
ha ha ahaa the funniest was when this real estate broker friend of joey-krutel commented "omygawd they busted out jeremy-piven for all the little jewish girls."

the next night was even more fun, joey-krutel invited us to another dinner with jeremy-piven, this time at Nobu. Nobu was eh but i must say i think it was probably the "hottest" ugly restaurant i have ever seen in my life.

joey-krutel also brought sofia-vergara to be the date of jeremy-piven, she is a hott latin star. i know this because back in 1997 i got a phonecall at the geld-iaz flagship boutique from sofia-vergara’s "manager," he was trying to get free clothes for her— he told me how she is "crossing over," she is like the "model/actress version of selena."
see here’s a photo of jeremy-piven at Nobu, and that’s sofia-vergara on his left behind the glass.

yah so after dinner lance-burstyn was supposed to drive jeremy-piven straightaway to Mansion (which is also owned by Opium/Privé) because they had named him the official "host" of the party but jeremy-piven wanted to ride with sofia-vergara (and friend) instead. sofia-vergara decided to make a pitstop at Casa Tua on the way, so she kidnapped jeremy-piven.

but lance-burstyn was not at all amused, because Casa Tua is an ingrid-casares joint but it was Mansion that paid Nobu to feed jeremy-piven. and guests (that’s us). lance-burstyn rolled down the window to scold sofia-vergara but she retorted: "wellll he saaay he want to comb weeth ausss…"
so of course we all had to pitstop too because lance-burstyn was "babysitting." sofia-vergara took jeremy-piven upstairs to meet ingrid-casares but the party was pretty quiet so we all bounced fifteen minutes later. lance-burstyn was pleased about that so he was assuaged, he snickered "ha nice try ingrid."

then we all went to Mansion. but hee eheee lance-burstyn got agitated again because sofia-vergara eschewed the valet and went searching for a parking space with jeremy-piven. so as her SUV was disappearing up the block, lance-burstyn was cursing something like "where the fuck is she going geezus christ sofia can i PAY the fucking 20 dollars?"
finally jeremy-piven and sofia-vergara (and friend) came stumbling around the corner and we were all swept inside and it was great, lance-burstyn had a big table with bottles and glassware and the whole shebang. and again like 10,000 hos came by just to jiggle their booties and put on a BIG SHOW for jeremy-piven.
it was all very easy and faboolous though and now i am totally spoiled from being part of jeremy-piven’s entourage all weekend, it makes me want to make like a new year’s resolution: either i roll PX goddammit or i just don’t roll at all.

the next day lance-burstyn stood us up, he must have completely forgotten he insisted on lunch. so marc-bagutta and i went to The Delano instead. where we ran into boris & barbara-becker with their two adorable miniaturized supermodelly sons.
it was great, jeremy-piven happened by as i was chatting with barbara and i introduced them so then i looked faboolous. later jeremy-piven told me he was totally sweating barbara-becker, he wanted to kick it to her so he was bummed he didn’t realize in time boris and barbara are divorced or he would have kicked harder.

then we left miami beach and we got lucky (yay!) we scored the last two seats on an earlier plane because our original one was delayed we could have been stuck at the airport for three hours because of the snowstorms. one of the flight attendants looked just like a big young james-gandolfini so the whole voyage was a real bug out watching tony-soprano point out the emergency exits and demonstrate proper usage of life vests and serve beverages and cookies. i really wanted a snapshot of him too but he scared me so i didn’t get one.

* * * * *

pxthis.com archives

This is an abbreviated version of Abbe Diaz’s diary/blog entry on December 28, 2005, for web archival purposes only. A far more detailed, thorough, and incisive account may be included in Diaz’s upcoming second book, PX Me – The Sequel to PX This (Coming Soon in the Spring of 2011)

* "…The intellectual community, as usual, showed itself to be timid and divided, and even the most unexpected graphologists engaged in controversies regarding their inconsistent analyses of my handwriting. It was they who divided opinions, overheated the polemic, and made nostalgia popular…. Make no mistake: peaceful madmen are ahead of the future." – Gabriel García Márquez

Chateau Pichon Longueville 1995 Bordeaux – Pauillac, France
Cost: $105/bottle (purchased in 1998)

Here is a 2nd growth Bordeaux from a chateau with an excellent history of developing great wines that are age-worthy; when they reach their peak, it lasts for decades. It’s been about 15 years since the great vintage of 1995, and the Pichon Longueville was stunning from its open. Aromas of lead pencil, polished leather, black cassis, plums, dry-roasted walnuts, and roasted espresso beans. The velvety fruit revealing mature cassis flavor slid effortlessly across the mid-palate with good weight and density. The tannins are firm and the alcohol unnoticeable, allowing the fruit (with just the right level of grippy acidity) to come forth, making this wine so easy to drink. Slow down and enjoy the bouquet… ahhh… this is good juice. A nice mature Bordeaux, and although most claret lovers might find this wine a bit young, I think it has developed well, with a great complex nose but still plenty of baby-fat fruit to impress the palate. Back that with a long finish and you have a winner. Delicious!
Rating: 98

GREATEST HITS: PX This [The Blahg]

Hi! Thank you for your "search"!
This website is currently undergoing changes as it continually progresses, so the entry for which you are seeking has likely been archived within "The Greatest Hits – PX This [The Blahg]". It was removed from its original location in preparation for the upcoming release of PX Me -The Sequel to PX This. If you would like more information and/or further clarification on this particular narrative, please read PX This – The Revised Edition and/or PX Me(coming soon).

And so without further ado— by popular (search engine) demand, we proudly present THE GREATEST HITS of PX This [The Blahg]

[*** warning: Eats, Shoots and Ladders Leaves freaks, please CLICK HERE* and HERE before reading any further. then take that favorite book of yours and stick it up your ass. thank you! ***]

"St. Barth… Isle de France… Billy Joel…"

sun 01.16.05: … so our first day was fun we roamed around the grounds with billy-joel and katie-lee and their two scrunch faced pugs, and they told all about how they looove st.barth— they got engaged there and then went back a few months ago and got married there too.
oh and by "grounds" i mean the Isle de France. see, when johnny-podell originally invited us to his "place in st. barth’s" i assumed he meant his house but what he really meant was his big private residence club dual-villa 2BR 2BA with outdoor kitchen/dining and private pool at The Hotel St. Barth – Isle De France on the Baie de Flamands that he visits regularly seven times a year (duh).

that night after we settled in, johnny-podell took us to Le Ti for dinner. which was nice. i might have enjoyed it more if we didn’t almost plunge off a cliff and die on the way there. [you think i'm kidding oh i so am not.]
Le Ti is big (with three separate dining rooms) and it’s all red and velvet and really loud music, it even has its own boutique that carries "sexy" type clothing all in like fur and leather. [yes i said fur and leather. in the caribbean. whatevs!]
evidently the boutique has a fashion show every saturday night and then around midnight peoples start to go crazy dancing all over the place, even on the tabletops.
anyways that was our first night.

the next day was sunday it rained all day so we went into Gustavia and we had lunch at Nikki Beach. Nikki Beach is cute and fabulous, it’s right on the Baie de St.Jean and it’s all white with beds and drapes just like you’d expect. i’ve noticed the boudoir thing is really popular these days (Bed, Duvet, Shore Club, etc) but personally i can’t stand it. i mean i get it, it’s supposed to be "hot" and "sexy" and comfy and all, but really when i see peoples all lounged about with their feet and limbs and asses and whatnot sprawled all out like roadkill while they are dining out in public i think it just looks kinda hideous.
like for example, when acquaintances visit you in your home you don’t generally receive them in your private quarters unless maybe you’re sick in bed or something, yes? so when i see this eating-in-bed fad becoming all the rage i just have to wonder what comes next— dining while squatting on toilets maybe.

yah so, then that night we had dinner at K’fé Massaï which from what i gather, is the favorite restaurant of all the native st.barthelemese. the menu is simple, just three prix fixe menus (at €29, €39, and €49) consisting of three courses each and the food is very good.

then it was monday and the sun was shining so we chilled at the beach. and it was great, billy-joel came over and plopped to chitchat. and he told us all about how he and his wife are going to donald-trump‘s wedding, but he "wouldn’t have realized" he was expected to sing at the reception had he not picked up a newspaper one morning and read all about it. so then apparently billy-joel decided to make up a song about The Donald, he even busted out with part of the little ditty for us.
it was really amusing and i would love to tell all about it but i don’t want some gossip rag to come along and read this and "scoop" the story and print billy-joel’s song lyrics and ruin the wedding surprise. maybe i will google the wedding date and then i will tell about the lyrics that day instead.

anyhoo billy-joel also said how his wife katie is an "incredible chef" and a "real foodie," so i gave her a copy of PX This (hee ehee i didn’t tell her i wrote it, of course) and she told me all about how she is working on some teevee pilot thingie with david-rosengarten called "A Matter of Taste," and she is thinking of doing some sort of book thingie too.

anyways so then later that night johnny-podell, marc-bagutta, and i went for dinner at Maya‘s because katie & billy-joel raved about it, they said they’d dined there last saturday night.
Maya’s was very quaint and provincial. and we just happened to run into billy-joel and katie in the parking lot on their way out after dinner, so apparently they liked it so much they dined there again. katie recommended "the fig and mozzarella salad" and "the salmon" to me so that’s what i ordered. johnny-podell remarked he’s been there a few times already and he always sees lots of stars like chevy-chase and jack-nicholson and harvey-weinstein and other peoples like that all the time.

on tuesday it was windy so we decided to go to a different beach called Saline (pronounced suh-leen not say-leen). and we had lunch at a really cute cafe that had great burgers but i can’t remember its name now. which is really terrible of me, so if you happen to be in st.barth and you want to try it, it’s right next door to L’Esprit Salines.
during lunch we met the nice woman who runs the Vintage store in Gustavia and she told us Saline Beach is windy too, so she sent us to a different beach instead called Governeur which is way up the mountain and back down again and the beach was very pretty indeed but unfortunately we almost got killed on the drive back. twice.

then on wednesday we shopped in Gustavia all day and drove all over the island. that’s the thing in st.barth, you see. driving driving and more fucking driving. we stopped for a drink at the hotel Carl Gustaf. very pretty.

then marc-bagutta and i had a sunset cocktail back at the Isle De France and billy-joel came over to join us and ordered a "mojito sans sucre avec swit and lo." i vaguely recall he mentioned something about performing at The Beacon soon. and he also commented something about singers getting old and losing their pipes, i can’t remember exactly because i was a little nervous and starstruck and drunk.
but i did notice billy-joel spoke with a cute little european accent so i think maybe he is learning french now or something, he has that strange "assimilation" affliction that peoples who speak perfect english sometimes get when they are conversing with foreigners.

then later we had dinner at La Vela which came highly recommended by the Hotel St.Barth. it was okay. it was designed to look kinda like a boat inside with little portholes and everything.
thursday we had lunch at Dõ Brazil on Shell Beach. i had ribs and fries and a "bailey’s colada."

later that evening during our new st.barth sunset cocktail tradition, we met carlos-sandoval who is a filmmaker and Sundance award winner. he’s really nice. a bit later johnny-podell sat down to join us and then so did billy-joel and katie-lee. billy-joel said "jimmy-buffet is in town" and so they were on their way to meet him for dinner at Maya’s.

finally friday night was dinner at L’Esprit Salines with johnny-podell, marc-bagutta, and a group of friends from NYC we’d run into on the beach earlier in the week— one of them was scooter-weintraub who manages sheryl-crowe. that night was the most fun of all, they took us to see the big beautiful house they always rent whenever they visit st.barth and then they gave me a tiny polka dotted bobble headed turtle as a gift, just because they could tell i really liked it.

the next morning we heard we totally missed an impromptu billy-joel concert at Le Gaïac at Hotel Le Toiny, he performed Georgia On My Mind, evidently because the house piano singer had already sung New York State of Mind.

fri 01.28.05: … thanks for reminding me about billy-joel’s trump wedding song lyrics.

i noticed the donald/melania wedding pictures on lots of covers of papers and magazines and stuffs but i didn’t really read the pages upon pages and pages of articles so i have no idea whether billy-joel’s wedding surprise was written about anywheres or if he even did get to sing it after all. well it’s been over week now so i don’t remember the words so clearly but i do recall billy-joel saying when he discovered he would be singing at the reception he decided to write a little ditty to perform called That’s Why the Donald is a Trump. and the part he performed for us went a little something like this (sung to the tune of That’s Why the Lady is a Tramp):

if he likes you/ maybe he’ll hire you
but watch your back/ he might turn around and fire you.
that’s why the donald is a trump.

what’s with that hair/ and that crazy combover
and smack in the middle is this clump
that’s why the donald is a trump.

* * * * *

pxthis.com archives

This is an abbreviated version of Abbe Diaz’s diary/blog entry on January 16 and 18, 2005, for web archival purposes only. A far more detailed, thorough, and incisive account may be included in Diaz’s upcoming second book, PX Me – The Sequel to PX This (Coming Soon in the Spring of 2011)

* "…The intellectual community, as usual, showed itself to be timid and divided, and even the most unexpected graphologists engaged in controversies regarding their inconsistent analyses of my handwriting. It was they who divided opinions, overheated the polemic, and made nostalgia popular…. Make no mistake: peaceful madmen are ahead of the future." – Gabriel García Márquez

My Brother Nancy

To avid fans and supporters of La Esquina, Michele Brilliant needs no introduction. So, we won’t bother.

We’ll just let the trailer for "My Brother Nancy" (such boldfaced names as Russell Brand and Jennifer Esposito are rumored to be involved) do all the talking instead.

PX This presents THE F&F REVIEW

Hey, sorry we couldn’t make it to "Friends&Family," we were out of town/ had to work/ not invited. We’re really glad we finally managed to come by, though— it’s so nice to see you!
What’s that? You would still like us to take the time to fill out the F&F survey, because you’d love to take advantage of all our vast experience, knowledge, insight, and expertise as long as we’re already here? Because you invited 75 people to F&F, and afterward all you got was 41 "Congrats[es]!" 22 "Awesome[s]!" 3 "Ciao[s]!" and 9 "Best of luck[s]!" ?
Of course, we’d be honored. Oh ha, yesss, we’ll be honest— brutally honest even, ha ha! After all, that’s what friends & family are for!
No no please, don’t send anything more, we’re stuffed, we can’t breathe, you’ll have to roll us out of here, ha ha ha… !

Asellina @ Gansevoort Park

What was your first impression?
Holy cow, it’s huge.

Please rate the Bar:
Snazzy. It’s big. And slick.

Please rate the drinks/ cocktails/ wine:
It’s a drinker’s bar, all right. Good fancy cocktails with impressive ingredients and swanky garnishes served in robust glassware. Sorry, I didn’t get a look at the wine list— I was too busy tasting a half-dozen pretty delicious cocktails, I am not even kidding.

Please rate the Dining Room:
Well, since there’s no doubt Las Vegas is the new Culinary Capitol of this country, it’s no surprise all the New York restaurants are jumping all over that bandwagon.
P.S. There’s a deejay; need I say more?

Please rate the BOH:
Much better than I expected, actually. I mean, ya know— there’s a deejay; need I say more?

How was the staff?
Ha ha ahaa, pretty awesome. I mean: if you’ve ever been a PX at Da Silvano or La Esquina, you’re allll set. Come on down, your homeys are waiting for you.

What did you eat?/ How was the food?
Pretty much everything on the menu : Yes, somehow I made it for the real "Friends & Family," and the dishes haven’t stopped coming since I sat down. If I mentioned every single one, I’d be here all day. So lemme just say most of them were very good, with the standouts being the pork belly flatbread, the octopus pizza, the pesto gnocchi, and the beef tenderloin. Quite frankly, with all the flowing cocktails, all the great company, and the overall conviviality, I’m having some difficulty recalling the food. And why do I feel like I’m wasting my time trying to describe it anyway?

Oh right, it’s probably because you really don’t care. You know what you have in mind, and you want to be sure you’ll indeed find it here. The answer is: yes. Yes, you will. So bust out the Audemars and your Laboutins, honey. This is the place to express your elation you’re one of The Chosen who still have a job.

What did you like?
Soraya, Luis, Alessandro, and Benny Blanco.

What did you dislike?
Dude, it’s Friends and Family! Get serious.

What was your last impression?
Oh look, it’s John Utendahl and the kid from Jersey Shore. (Not together.)

Would you come back?
Oh, I know exactly who I’m bringing next time.

Thank you, and hope to see you soon!
Thank you. It’s nights like this that really make those 20+ years in the industry all worthwhile.

PX This presents THE F&F REVIEW

Hey, sorry we couldn’t make it to "Friends&Family," we were out of town/ had to work/ not invited. We’re really glad we finally managed to come by, though— it’s so nice to see you!
What’s that? You would still like us to take the time to fill out the F&F survey, because you’d love to take advantage of all our vast experience, knowledge, insight, and expertise as long as we’re already here? Because you invited 75 people to F&F, and afterward all you got was 41 "Congrats[es]!" 22 "Awesome[s]!" 3 "Ciao[s]!" and 9 "Best of luck[s]!" ?
Of course, we’d be honored. Oh ha, yesss, we’ll be honest— brutally honest even, ha ha! After all, that’s what friends & family are for!
No no please, don’t send anything more, we’re stuffed, we can’t breathe, you’ll have to roll us out of here, ha ha ha… !

Cecconi @ Soho House (Miami Beach)

What was your first impression?
I wonder how this location is working out for them.

Please rate the Bar:
Very nice. Charming, commodious, and welcoming. This must have been quite the scene all weekend…

Please rate the drinks/ cocktails/ wine:
Oh crap. Sorry, forgot to look at the lists. I’m here for brunch, and I got a little distracted watching white truffles being scraped upon the pizza two tables over. (Were you able to afford truffle pizza when you were 22? And since when do models eat carbs, anyway?)
But the white wine by the glass recommended by our waiter (Chardonnay-Vermentino, $12/glass) was very good.

Please rate the Dining Room:
It’s pleasant. Rustic but elegant. Spacious but cozy, and smart too.

Please rate the BOH:
Better than I expected, actually. I mean, ya know— Soho House here in New York is hardly known for its food. And Miami Beach in general isn’t exactly a culinary mainstay. Throw "fabulous" in there, and the prospects don’t seem all that promising.
But then again, it’s brunch. I’d like to say you’d have to be pretty pathetic to screw up eggs, but now that I think of it, lots of restaurants I’ve visited in the past sure have messed up eggs pretty badly.
Anyway, the menu is straightforward and appealing, and the prices are more reasonable than I’d anticipated too.

How was the staff?
The hostess must be new (or maybe a wee stupid?); she could definitely use a bit more training. Is it really necessary to ask two people if they have a reservation for 3PM? And then inquire of the maitre d’ if they "anything available" [response: "I'm suuure there's plenty available."]? And then parade us past 8,000 empty tables all the way into the back of the dining room right next to a occupied four-top… before acquiescing to our personal request anyway? Yah, like that.
Our waiter was excellent though—
knowledgeable, proficient, and amiable. Casual but totally professional.

What did you eat?/ How was the food?
Eggs Benedict : Very good. And the accompanying tater tots (with chives?) are delicious.
Steak and eggs : Great. Tender juicy skirt steak perfectly cooked. Pretty fairly priced at $22.
Beet salad :Good. Fresh. Tasty. And huge.
Apple-yogurt-something cake with gelato : Not quite what I expected from the description, but good. Kinda tastes more lemony than apple-y, though.

What did you like?
Pretty much everything. Best of all, now I get to say I’ve been here.

What did you dislike?
Ha haa, wellll… you know, it’s Miami Beach— some of the outfits parading by, oh my lord.

What was your last impression?
Now I kinda wish I’d come for dinner instead. The show must be spectacular.

Would you come back?
It’s kinda far from South Beach… but maybe.

Thank you, and hope to see you soon!
Thanks, it was fun.

Art Basel Miami Beach – Day 02

- No breakfast; coffee from Starbucks. Spent morning trying to blog with an iPad. Ha ha haa aargh what a fucking nightmare. Gave up.

- Few hours by the pool, because beach is still kinda windy.

- Lunch at The Setai (poolside). Spotted: Larry Gagosian, Jason Binn (not together).

- Second tour through Art Basel Miami Beach exhibit. Spotted: Susan Sarandon.

- Quick tour of Design Miami exhibit. Spotted: Alex Rodriguez.

- Tour of Red Dot exhibit. Second tour of Scope exhibit.

- Shopping in the Design District at new showrooms Maison Martin Margiela, Christian Laboutin, and Y3.

- Dinner with friends at (beloved by locals) Mandolin in the Design District.

- Drinks with friends at Nexxt Cafe on Lincoln Rd to meet with proprietor Sedat Onur.

*See also (earlier):

• Art Basel Miami Beach – Day 01

• Art Basel Miami Beach – Day 02

Art Basel Miami Beach – Day 02

- Breakfast at The Raleigh again.

- Few hours at the beach. Kinda windy.

- Lunch at Joey’s in the Wynwood District.

- Tour of Wynwood galleries.

- Tour of Scope exhibit.

- Dinner at Michael’s in the Design District.

- Opening reception of Luminaire showroom in the Design District.

- AOL/Paper Party in the Design District (but, didn’t stay for the Pharrell performance).

- Bar hopping at Vino&Olio and MaiTardi (next door to the AOL/Paper party).

*See also (earlier):

• Art Basel Miami Beach – Day 01

• Art Basel Miami Beach – Day 03

Art Basel Miami Beach – Day 01

- Living in NYC is awesome— pretty late dinner at Kenmare and then breakfast bright and early at The Raleigh (Newark Airport still does not have creepy X-ray cancer boxes or nasty horny perverts trying to feel your goodies. Hooray!).
Spotted poolside: Julian Schnabel

- Tour of Art Basel Miami Beach at the convention center.

- Early dinner with friends at Sardinia (off the beaten tourist path and beloved by the locals).

- Drinks at John deLucie‘s The Royal "grand opening" reception at The Raleigh.

*See also (earlier):

• Art Basel Miami Beach – Day 02

• Art Basel Miami Beach – Day 03

Guess what! Trying to blog with just an iPhone and an iPad is a bit of a fucking nightmare. Lesson learned.