The 7 Types of Celebrity Restaurant Patron: From the “Angel” to the “A**”
My very first job in the Food & Beverage Industry was as a waitress at Pizzeria Uno on Route 4 in Paramus, NJ (I quickly graduated to the glamorous position of cocktail waitress at the motel lounge next to the gas station on Route 17-S in Hasbrouck Heights).
25 years later, I am the "Maitre d’ to the Stars." Get a load of me. Google me, bi#ch!
Obviously, that makes me an "expert." Like a Psychologist almost. Except my specialty is stars, so maybe more like an Astrochologist. It’s my job to recognize stars (big stars and little stars and all the stars in between) and prioritize them properly according to dazzle, cut, clarity, etc to determine the restaurant’s level of collective obsequiousness to maximize the dining room’s efficiency and potential.
So I mean like for example, before a celebrity can even think to say "jump," I already know how high.
Every now and again somebody will inquire what that’s like, to be surrounded by such sparkly people all the time. Or they’ll even specify some stars by name, looking for some profound insight from me to substantiate their fanatical affinity.
So I put together this handy list— because I can tell you really like lists. These are all the stars and other such celestial bodies I oversaw personally (or a colleague told me about the following day because I happened to have the evening off the night before) organized accordingly.
Keep it as a handy reference! Or just… for better hallway vision.
The A-List Angel
We may as well start at the top! Zoologically, the behavior of the "Angel" seems to indicate an empathy with lesser beings (aka everyone not on the A-list; aka you, or me). Presumably the Angel has achieved personal success (and likely, happiness?) through extensive labor and abundant experience. The Angel assimilates well in various environments and is often engaged in intellectual/charitable pursuits as well as the conventional money, hoes, and clothes.
The Angel is most likely to dress casually, speak politely, exude confidence, engage amicably with personnel, and tip very generously.
See: Ben Affleck, Will Smith, Julianne Moore, Renee Zellweger
The Poof
Poofs are the most ubiquitous of celebrities, often appearing at venues the minute their stylist tells them about it. The Poof typically (but not exclusively) garners popularity by superficial means and/or an awesome stroke of luck, hence the moniker; the Poof is probably most afraid of waking up one day to find that *poof!* all that money and/or attention is suddenly all gone.
The Poof is most likely to dress flamboyantly, speak brashly, exude strong cologne, demand special attention, and leave the party right before the check arrives.
See: Steven Cojocaru, Donald Trump, Lizzie Grubman, Jennifer Lopez
The Angel Poof
A sort-of haphazard mishmash of above.
The Angel Poof customarily has acquired fame via brains and self-made fortune. Like a Blue Collar Billionaire Boys Club or something. This includes Bankers, Ballers, Entrepreneurs, and Google employees.
Angel Poofs are most likely to dress any damned way they please, mumble incoherently, exude $100 bills, roll a dozen deep, try tables "on for size" before choosing a location in the dining room, and pay the check via e-mail before the party even arrives.
See: Jayson Williams, Vivi Nevo, John Utendahl, Richard Bressler, Steven Greenberg
The Micro
Micros are the easiest to classify but the most difficult to characterize. Micros tend to be mercurial; their status as a "local" celebrity make them the most apt to exhibit behavior reflective of their day. However, the Micro is often endearing by virtue of their persistent presence, like a puppy or a goldfish.
The Micro is most likely to dine in one’s pajamas, expect to be understood telepathically, exude ennui, demand complicated alterations to the menu, know the entire staff by name, and absent-mindedly "forget" to leave a tip.
See: Tony Shafrazi, Sante d’Orazio, Calvin Klein, Robert de Niro
The MetaMicro
Restaurant Investors, Chefs, Operators, Friends, Family, Friends of Investors, Family of the Chef, Friends of Family of…
you get the picture.
The MetaMicro is likely to dress emblematically, use expressions like "86," "fire," and "mise en place," dine without complaint at the bar or "communal," hold their glassware by the stem or the base, and leave 25% and up gratuity (depending on how many items were "sent" from the kitchen).
See: Mario Batali, Bobby Flay, Emeril Lagasse, Anthony Bourdain, Wylie Dufresne
The Diva
Curiously, this classification seems to aptly suit any celebrity that does not fit neatly into any other category. Divas can be either self-proclaimed or publicly acknowledged; either way, they’re "divas," due in no small amount to their extraordinary ability to violently fluctuate between fierce and, uh… fierce. Divas can be so good when they choose and so bitchy every other time. Nobody can predict the behavior of a Diva. They’re like aliens.
See: Gwyneth Paltrow, Ellen Barkin, Woody Allen, Graydon Carter
The A-List A-Hole
Ugh, the worst. You see one coming your way, run.
The A-List A-Hole is evidently so spoiled by his/her stardom, he/she thinks everybody in the world is his/her personal whipping gimp.
The A-List A-Hole is most likely to accessorize expensively, speak condescendingly, exude funky aura, arrive extremely late for reservations, and smack you upside the head with a telephone.
See: Russell Crowe
Tags: BEN AFFLECK, CELEBRITIES, PX THIS THE BOOK
= "personne extraordinaire"
November 8th, 2010 at 9:19 PM
The POOFS also have a penchant for asking random strangers, who couldn’t give a toss, ‘Do you know who I am?’. To which I, the stranger, often reply “Darling, if you don’t know WHO you are, I certainly can’t help you. Now, be a dear and go away”.