Restaurant Enterprise 410

December 4th, 2009 by Dick Johnson


Dick Johnson: Knock knock.
abbe diaz: just get on with it.

DJ: LOL. Sorry! Just trying to lighten the mood… OK, so you saw the Crain’s article?
ad: yah

DJ: What, no rampage in the Crain’s comments section from "Crazypants"? Your fan club must be so disappointed.
ad: what is there to "rampage" about? did you read the article? i thought it was good. it’s nice to see a bit of true, impartial news for a change. there’s nothing for me to refute.

DJ: Eater dotcom commenters are calling for your rebuttal. Or at least, one comment says it’s "surprised" you haven’t denied it on PX This.
ad: yah, i saw it. whatever. i only deny what ISN’T TRUE, duh.

DJ: So, you’re not going to comment? Enquiring minds want to know…
ad: want to know what? nobody asked me any questions.

DJ: OK, fine. I’m asking you.
ad: and i really appreciate that, thanks. but i still don’t see a question.

DJ: What’s going on with Mangia 57th and Centro Vinoteca’s filing for Chapter 11?
ad: is that what i’m supposed to comment on? i’m not their publicist you know. and i have neither the inclination nor the authority to discuss their business with anyone.
are you asking me my personal opinion? because that’s a different story.

DJ: But, by your own admission, you do consult with them occasionally. Word on the internet is you get "highly paid" to do so, right?
ad: Mangia and Centro, obviously, as a company, have plenty of attorneys and advisors. my advice wasn’t sought on this matter, but if it had been, i would have said i wholeheartedly agree with their latest course of action. hypothetically speaking.

DJ: Yes! Let’s play "Hypothetically Speaking"! This should be fun.
ad: loads.

DJ: Hypothetically Speaking: Restaurant Enterprise-101
ad: probably more like RestaurantEnterprise:410, but whatever.

DJ: Hypothetically speaking, what are your thoughts on a company like Mangia57th filing Chapter 11?
ad: ooh. really? what a nice question! hmm, well let’s see—

first of all, let’s assume it’s a company juuust like Mangia57. well, according to the Crain’s article, it would "[owe] creditors less than $10 million."
okay, well let’s say— if i were simply an objective observer and not just some dumb idiot creepface looking to gleefully tapdance on somebody’s grave, i would say that seems like an awful little amount to file over. under $10M total? (i actually very much like how the Crain’s article almost seems to be scratching its head over this one, as well.)
i mean, i would think this would be relatively easy to confirm, but i would assume a company like Mangia takes in about $1M per WEEK.
also— a debt of $335,000 to the landlord and (a disputable) $260,000 to the state? that’s less than $600,000.
i mean… for example, i know of another company juuust like Mangia, and last year their BANK FEES ALONE were about $600,000.

which! brings me to another point.
hey did you see how some of the banks have been rahrah’ing lately because they’re apparently about to pay back billions of dollars in bailout money collected from unsuspecting taxpayers? isn’t it amazing how they were able to raise all that profit so quickly?
oh wait— maybe not so amazing? cuz peoples all over the country are complaining about how their fees have skyrocketed and how the banks do creepy things like intentionally approve all your debit purchases and withdraw monthly fees at random intervals so that when you happen to spend over your available balance because you had no cash on you but you bought a pack of gum at the deli, now suddenly that gum costs you $35 in overdraft fees?

and dumbass that you are, you also went to Kinko’s for your boss and charged another $3.00 on your debit card for copies (expecting to be reimbursed), but now the transaction for those copies have just cost you ANOTHER $35 overdraft fee? so now you just spent $70 on $3 worth of copies and a pack of gum?

now— if last year those banks made that kind of money off the average broke-assed citizen, what exactly do you think is happening to big companies like Mangia?

i mean, imagine instead of say your monthly $15 checking fee they automatically debited (which you thought you still had in your account and that’s why you bought the pack of gum at the deli and charged the copies at Kinko’s in the first place)— that monthly fee was ohhh like $40,000.00?
do you see how that could occasionally be kinda problematic?

now let’s say you went to the bank and you waited on line and you finally got to sit and talk to one of those peoples in the little desk cubicle thingies—
and you said, "hey banker dude. i’ve been your banking customer for dozens of years now and we’ve never had a problem like this before. why do i owe you $70 for a pack of gum and $3 worth of copies from Kinko’s? if you hadn’t taken out that $15 monthly fee… what’s that? it’s $25 now? that’s outrageous!… well you didn’t tell me the price went up and that it would be withdrawn so randomly… how do you expect me to pay an additional $80 in fees for a pack of gum and Kinko’s copies?"

and the bank dude replied, "yesssss, thank you so much for your patronage over the years. suck it. we have bailout funds to pay back cuz president-obama won’t let us get our multimillion dollar bonuses."

i don’t know bout you, but if i had another option (and lots of attorneys and advisors!), i’d be damned if i’m paying that $80. i’m just sayin.

that was fun! next question?

DJ: LOL. I’m glad you asked, because I do have another question. What about Centro Vinoteca filing Chapter 11? Oh sorry, I mean HYPOTHETICALLY, what about a company LIKE Centro Vinoteca filing Chapter 11?
ad: wow. another great question!
well, HYPOTHETICALLY, let me ask you this. how does one prove, exactly, you know something?

DJ: Beg pardon? You’re not making sense.
ad: yah exactly, thank you.
how about— let’s just say… i lost… an umbrella, for example. and then i said to you, "hey dick-johnson. where’s my umbrella?"
and you reply, "i don’t know." and i say, "yes you do." and you say, "no, i don’t." and i rebut, "but i told you where i left it." and you retort, "no you didn’t, are you smoking crack or something?" and i respond, "yes i told you where it was." and you insist, "no, you did not." and i dispute, "yes i did. well, at least, i told willie-wang where i put the umbrella and i’m sure he told you." and you assert, "willie-wang didn’t tell me shit. i don’t know where your stupid umbrella is."

and so i tell you, "well, i’m sure i told willie-wang to tell you where the umbrella is and now i can’t find it, so now you have to buy me a new umbrella."
and you answer, "what? i never knew where your jackassed umbrella was. i never saw it, i never touched it, you never told me where you put it, and willie-wang never said anything to me about it. period end of story."
and i say, "well, i don’t care what you say, you’re still buying me a new umbrella."
so you ask, "i had nothing to do with you losing your umbrella. why should i buy you a new umbrella?"
and i respond: "cuz it was a really really fancy expensive umbrella and YOU are the only one who can afford it."

i wonder— would you buy me a new umbrella or would you tell me to go fuck myself?

DJ: Oh, I would definitely tell you to go fuck yourself.
ad: i thought so. next question?

DJ: So, are you saying Leah Cohen didn’t leave Centro Vinoteca because of cashflow problems?
ad: as far as i know, she’s on her way to southeast asia and she’ll be traveling for nine months. does that sound like somebody who wasn’t making money to you? better yet, why don’t you just ask her.

DJ: Is the Gusto Ristorante townhouse for sale? Can I buy it?
ad: i think the only way to answer that question is to MAKE AN OFFER ALREADY. be sure to bring along a certified check.

DJ: OK, one last question. Can I blog about the you-know-what now? Seeing as the cat’s… kind of out of the bag and all?
ad: frankly my dear i don’t give a shit.


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8 Responses to “Restaurant Enterprise 410”

  1. JHB Says:

    crains iz fur smarrt peepl :P

  2. MILFweed Says:

    I don’t know how you do it Abbs. Reading those Eater comments sometimes makes me want to throw up that people can be that stupid. I would never have the patience to address it like you do. I would feel like it’s trying to talk to a bowl of oatmeal because that’s what they have for brains. You rock girl.

  3. MILFweed Says:

    And to answer your awesome hypothetical question – I would tell you to go fuck yourself WITH an umbrella.

  4. Dishwasher Says:

    I bet that the banks will be willing to sit down and talk now! ;)

  5. Dishwasher Says:

    Milf, the best defense against the oatmeal heads is to not bother reading it. Those eater commenters are notorious for being stupid. ;)

  6. Trollai Llama Says:

    @MILFweed: I figured you would enjoy this. Those B’Eater commenters just got SPANKED. Ha ha ha ha ha.

    By: Richard d’Arrigo
    “Big B you’re embarrassing yourself. No misogyny here? Right, so I guess every stocky female chef is a lesbian, every slim Asian woman is a ladyboy, and I guess that would mean every average normal girl is a saggy-boobed ho. And let’s not forget that by your definition alone, every loving supportive wife is a prostitute.

    Any businessperson can tell just by the language you’re using that you are no businessman. No successful person has to tell people that he’s successful. As for your supposed MBA and all your accomplishments, sure. That’s why you spend all your time here frittering 500 posts of your wisdom away on a tabloid website. Why don’t you do all us entrepreneurs a favor and share your MBA genius by posting your thoughts at WSJ, or Business Week, or copy your comments here and post them under the article in Crain’s.

    I filed Chapter 11 not long after 9/11, because the bank called in a quarter $M line of credit to be fully paid in 3 weeks, because they claimed that issuing the credit was due to a clerical error on their part. But by your rationale, instead of filing for protection, I should have closed my business, fired my employees and sold off all the inventory to give the bank the full $250G on the spot, even though I paid them faithfully $7G a month for years without ever being late.

    My sister-in-law just had a very similar problem with her ATM fees. But because she’s a student with no money, the bank couldn’t care less about the fact that it was an honest oversight that should never have snowballed into almost 6 times the amount the fee should have been. And who had to step in and pay it off to get it to stop? That’s right, I did.

    As for you not being intimidated by women, I guess that’s why you’re here wasting your valuable successful time seething and frothing at the mouth, just like the bully in the playground that picks on all the smart kids because in fact he’s intimidated by everything about school in general. You don’t even have the guts to use your real name. You are not a man. I would bet you’re a snot-nosed kid with a huge chip in his shoulder still living in his parent’s basement.

    Don’t bother trying to give me any more of your BS. The only reason I’m here is because I followed a link, and I only came back to print out this thread to score some brownie points with the missus, because she said she wanted to see where I said I would always defend her honor.

    Every website gets the readers and commenters it deserves. Any site that would accept and tolerate this type of vulgarity and misogyny (tinged with racism) deserves the likes of you. Just try to keep in mind that while you’re all seething and frothing like savage animals in your little bubble here, that sometimes the outside world gets a peek at it. And trust me, you’re not all nearly as witty or clever as you think you are.”

  7. MILFweed Says:

    I’m married too but Richard d’Arrigo’s wife is a lucky lucky woman. What a dreamboat.

  8. d'Arrigo Says:

    Actually if the bank fee went up from $15 to $25 and it was debited, but there was only $15 in the account, then the withdrawal of the fee would have been $10 short, and that would incur another $35 fee. So it would actually be $115 total in fees for the gum and copies.

    It was my pleasure, but thank you, Milfweed Ma’m. I’ll have to remind the missus, if she ever gets out of line. ;)

    Capt. Dreamboat, over and out.

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